Family Guy - Life of Brian: What it SHOULD HAVE been…
by maxparker89
Summary: Safe to say, I and many others hated the Family Guy episode known as "Life of Brian". And so because of that, I've decided to tell a new version of the story by writing a better "what-if" version on how the episode should have been told.
1. Prelude: Author's Notes

**Author's Notes**:

* * *

It's safe to say that the _Family Guy_ episode known as "Life of Brian" was, to me at least, and so many others as I've come to understand, just a godawful and terrible mess and so were the two follow episodes. So when Brian returned to episodes later, I couldn't help but feel not only relieved to see him alive, but I was also angered at the same time, mostly because of the whole _Deus ex machina_ of his resurrection felt out of place and not well earned. Adding to that, Brian was now no longer the character I once knew and love. And granted, I understand that he **was** falling apart **long** before and after "Life of Brian", but I digress…

So, by now you're probably wondering by now and may ask me, "What **did** I expect from the episode in question?" My answer to you all is a pretty simple one: I expected the episode to be the same story we actually got, but instead of the Griffins adopting Vinny at the end of the episode, I wanted the episode to be turned into a murder mystery investigation and other details, in other words, I wanted the actual episode to be a lot like _The Simpsons_ with their duology of "Who Shot Mr. Burns?" or something similar to what _Family Guy_ doing to their duology episodes of "Stewie Kills Lois" and "Lois Kills Stewie", but with no cop out ending. Alas, that **never** came to be and it never wound up happening. Safe to say, my fandom for _Family Guy_ was never the same again.

And so, perhaps because of that, I've decided to tell a much better version of the story by writing a better "**what-if**" version on how the "Life of Brian" should have been told. That in mind, I will keep a small portion of what actually was in the existing final episode, while adding a great chunk of my own ideas too. One such idea is adding a new character that I've created named Grace Luna Fey.

Grace, to tell you all about her, will be a love interest for Brian when he does come back. But unlike the **actual** canon that follows after "Life of Brian", she **will** be a recurring character in some future _Family Guy_ stories that I will consider writing, such as the Griffins doing the version of the _Star Wars Prequel Trilogy_, _Rogue One_, or even _Solo_, Disney Films, or amongst other things. But that said, I will **not** be looking to have the Griffins do their variations of the _Star Wars Sequel Trilogy_ as I didn't particularly like those films too much, granted, there are things I did admire, but in the end, I refuse to consider that trilogy canon.

Back to Grace, here's the details about her if your anxious to know what she does and whatnot…

* * *

**Grace Luna Fey**:

* Species: Human and Siberian Husky, able to transform under her own freewill instead of against it.  
* Date of Birth: February 14, 1995 as Siberian Husky, unknown for the original human form she adapted, but appears to look like a 21-year-old woman.  
* Human appearance: She has purple eyes, long length black hair with white highlights in certain spots.  
* Siberian Husky appearance: Black fur with a white stomach, medium length black hair with white highlights in certain spots and purple eyes, originally, her eyes were a warm sky blue when she was born.  
* Other appearance notes: She has a short, yet athletic hourglass shaped body.  
* Voiced by: Eva Green (speaking) and Emily Blunt (singing).  
* Occupation: Freelance medical chemist for Quahog Hospital.  
* Height: 5'4" as human or 3'8" in her Siberian Husky form.  
* Weight: 135 lbs. as human or 48 lbs. in her Siberian Husky form.  
* Bra size: 36D.  
* Vehicle of choice: A royal blue Honda Insight, also rides a bike.  
* Significant other: None, until she met Brian Griffin.  
* Other relations: Grace Luna Fey (adapted this identity from the human whom she bit), Warren Albert Mathis (human surrogate father and pastor who raised and baptized her), the Griffin family (in-laws, later in life), Karol and Anton (birth parents).  
* Children: Biscuit Elizabeth Griffin, Warren Coco Griffin, Fey Karol Griffin, and Francis 'Frank' Anton Griffin.  
* Religious beliefs: Presbyterian, she was baptized when she was 1½ years old.  
* Political party: Independent, originally a Republican.  
* Favorite book: _To Kill a Mockingbird_ by Harper Lee.  
* Favorite movie: _Fantasia_ (1940), failing that, her other favorite is _Casablanca_ (1942).  
* Favorite music genre: All kinds, but mostly Smooth Jazz and Classical.  
* Favorite food: Doesn't have a preference.  
* Favorite drink: Water (usually) or Chardonnay.  
* Other notes: She wears a light pink collar in her Siberian Husky form complete with an amethyst stone. She is also seen wearing clothing in her Siberian Husky form too, as she is anthropomorphic.  
* Personality: Friendly, easy going, compassionate, loving, very protective of loved ones, sarcastic (if bothered), intelligent and well-read with books.  
* Likes: Brian, reading a good book, working hard at her job, attending church services, music, watching movies, spending time with her family, etc.  
* Dislikes: Glenn Quagmire, people insulting Brian, not being able to keep her transformations under control, etc.

* * *

With this all said and done, this covers all the author's notes I wanted to share with you all. I hope to see you all soon when I present to you all my retelling of "Life of Brian".

* _Family Guy_ is owned and © by Seth MacFarlane.  
* Grace Luna Fey is owned and © by me.

Until then, I'm _**maxparker89**_ signing off…


	2. Recap and Farewell to Brian

Chapter 1: **Recap and Farewell to Brian**

* * *

**_Previously, on _**_Family Guy_** \- "Life of Brian"**…

Brian and Stewie had ventured to 17th century Jamestown and had altered the past by giving the Powhatan tribe guns to defend themselves. The results of altering the past caused a mess in time to have more natives be surrounded in Quahog during the present. With but only one choice, the two purchased a new return pad and changed the past for the better. Upon returning home, the two dumped Stewie's time machine in the junkyard in the hopes no more close calls to death occur. While at the junkyard, the two best friends found a used, but in still good condition street hockey net and decided to have fun by spending the rest of the day playing street hockey, which is where we come in…

_**End recap**… _**BEGIN PART 1:**

* * *

Outside of 31 Spooner Street, Brian and Stewie set up their equipment to play some Street Hockey, they were all dressed for the occasion. Stewie spoke, "Okay, Brian, I'm just putting this out there… But I'm a baby and only dicks don't let babies win."

"God, look at this day, huh?" said Brian, as he smelt the fresh air. "You know, usually, I'd be sitting inside writing, you'd be working on one of your machines." He beamed, "But here we are enjoying it."

"Yes, it **is** a nice change of pace." replied Stewie. "Oh, wait, I got to go grab my knee pads." He fixed to head inside, "I **was** using them for for-for this other thing. Anyway, I'll be right back."

Safe to say that last statement had surprised Brian, "What else could you possibly use knee pads for besides this?" he asked.

"That's not important, Bri." answered the infant. "What **is** important is the fact we're gonna have fun. Fun, fun, fun."

"Until Lois takes the T-Bird away, right?" The white Labrador added, referencing a set of old song lyrics.

"**Now** you're getting it." Stewie nodded, as he turned around.

Safe to say, it was fabulous day outside today, nothing could go wrong. That is to say until a Silver 2010 Mercedes-Benz E-Class coupe drove along the community, Brian didn't hear or see it coming, but Stewie did, "Brian, **look out**!" But it was **too** late! The car ran over the dog, leaving him fatally wounded, Stewie looked in horror. "Ah, Brian!"

One of the car doors opened, revealing Ernie the Giant Chicken, "Wha… What the hell just happened?" he asked, feeling rather shocked.

"What happened?" Stewie asked in sarcasm, as he then yelled, "I'll tell you '**what happened**', what happened is the fact you just ran over my dog, you **stupid** avian!".

"Hey!" said a new voice, it was a teenage rooster, obviously Ernie's son, "You can talk to my dad like that!"

"I just **did**!" retorted Stewie, who rolled his eyes.

In the midst of all the arguing, the rest of the Griffins ran outside. "Oh, my God! Brian! Brian, can you hear me?!" asked Lois.

"Holy crap! What the hell happened?!" inquired Peter. It was only when he saw Ernie, his eyes frowned, Ernie followed suit. Very soon, if someone didn't do anything, one of Peter and Ernie's trademark fights would soon begin.

"Since you insulted my father, it's time that I teach you a lesson myself." Ernie's son said looking at Stewie.

Frowning himself at the newcomer, the toddler did the '**bring it on**' gesture and simply said, "Bring it on, **motherclucker**!"

But the fight went nowhere and was ultimately broken up, Ernie's wife, Nicole. "That's enough!"she said.

Lois agreed, "We have more important things to do."

Nicole turned to her husband and nodded to him indicating it was time to leave, she then nodded to her son to follow suit.

"I'm sorry for calling you a… Well, you know." Stewie said apologizing to Ernie and Nicole's son.

"It's okay, my fault anyway…" He extended his wing, making introductions. "I'm Birt."

"Stewie." The infant replied.

* * *

Later, at the local Quahog Veterinarian Clinic, the Griffins anxiously waited for any signs of news, be it good, bad, or in between. "Mom, is Brian gonna be okay?" asked Meg.

"I don't know, Meg." replied Lois. "But this is the best veterinarian in Quahog. Brian's getting the finest care there is."

After what seemed like hours, the veterinarian came out. Lois spoke, "Doctor, how is Brian? Is he gonna be okay?"

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Griffin," he replied in a sad voice, "But Brian's injuries are just **too** severe for us to save him." There was a long silence. "I don't know how much longer he has, but I suggest that you all go in and say your goodbyes."

With looks of pure shock on their face and knowing that they had but one choice, the Griffins entered the operating room, all their eyes began to water.

"Oh, my God! Brian, no!" said Lois.

"I can't believe it!" whimpered Peter. "Y-You're really…"

"Damn it, Brian, you **can't** die! We were gonna do so many things together!" cried Stewie. "We were gonna become windsurfers, I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good!"

Then, right in front of his family, Brian began to tremble and speak ever so slightly.

Noticing this, Lois spoke to her family, "You guys, I think, I think Brian's trying to say something!"

"You…" Brian began, gathering what strength he had left in him. "You've given me a wonderful life. I love you all." He smiled and look upon all the Griffins. "I'm grateful to have you all here, so that I may have the chance to say '**goodbye**'." He turned to Chris, "Chris, how often must a delinquent like you prove himself not special, before you believe it yourself?" He then turned to Lois, "Lois, sweet darling Lois. You honor me with your friendship and love, treasure the same values that you gave me that I bestow to you." He turned to Meg, "Meg, unable to be loved, let alone be touched by anyone. Yet, if you look around you, I think that you will find you have touched us all, as you have me." He turned to Peter, "Peter, if were Francis, I would tell you that no truer son could ever be loyal. Even in the face of adversity in times of the good and bad." Finally, he turned to Stewie. "Stewie…"

It was now Stewie's turn to speak, "I'm **so** sorry, Bri!"

"For what, this?" asked the dog, indicating his injuries. "I've gotten myself worse shit than today." He frowned then let out a brief chuckle. "Can't think of anything right now, but…"

But what it was Brian wanted say next, Stewie didn't let him finish his sentence, "It would've better had we stayed at home. And then, none of this **fucking** shit would've happened!"

Brian called his friend by name, "Stewie, look at me…" The infant did so, "I'd rather die today, than live 100 years without knowing your or the others."

As the Labrador spoke, Stewie had to agree, they've had so many adventures together, but now it was going to come to end at their final curtain call. In the back of both dog's and baby's minds, memories they held dear to began to play, whether it be their countless "Road to…" adventures or any other occasion, they would cherish the memories so dear, As a cover version of Frank Sinatra and Céline Dion's duet of "All the Way" was sung by the dog and baby themselves began to play, they held each other's hand.

Stewie: _When somebody loves you, it's no good unless they love you, all the way. Happy to be near you, when you need someone to cheer you, all the way._

Brian: **Taller than the tallest tree is, that's how it's got to feel. Deeper than the deep blue sea is, that's how deep it goes if it's real.**

Both: When somebody needs you, it's no good unless they need you…

Stewie: _All the way._

Brian: **Through the good or lean years ****and for all the in between years.**

Stewie: _For all those years._

Both: Come what may… Who knows where the road will lead us? Only a fool would say.

Brian: **But if you let them love you…**

Stewie: _It's for sure they're gonna love you, __all the way…_

Brian: **All the way…**

Stewie: _Taller than the tallest tree is, __that's how it's got to feel._

Brian: **Deeper than the deep blue see is…**

Stewie: _That's how deep it goes if it's real._

Brian: **And when somebody needs you, ****it's no good unless they need you…**

Both: All the way. Through the good or lean years and for all the in between years. Come what may… Who knows where the road will lead us?

Stewie: _Only a fool would say._

Brian: **But if you let them love you…**

Stewie: _It's for sure they're gonna love you._

Both: All the way…

Brian: **All the way…**

Stewie: _They're gonna love you all the way._

With their song complete, Brian and Stewie stared at each other, one last time. Then, not only did the heart monitor go flat, but Brian's paw drooped from Stewie's hand.

The veterinarian put his stethoscope to Brian's heart, there was no response, "I'm sorry, he's gone."

"Oh, my God. He's…" began Chris, hoping that the worst wasn't true.

"Yes, Chris…" Lois nodded, confirming the truth. "I'm afraid… I'm afraid that our Brian is dead!"

To say that the Griffins rarely showed moments when they could be truly like a family and not slitting each-other's throats, would be a gross understatement of the year. But because they all loved Brian so much, they let their tears come naturally to them. Peter and Lois held hands, Chris put his hand on Meg's shoulder, Stewie trembled in extreme sadness and then the whole family all huddled together in one big hug.

* * *

When the Griffins returned home, as they exited the car, Peter spoke, "Guys, I'm gonna need a few minutes alone upstairs. I got to do, like, a-a sad yank."

As the rest of the family headed on inside, Stewie stayed outside to dispose of the remains of the street hockey equipment, "Stupid street hockey. I wish we **never** went to that dump." He sighed heavily and looked at his teddy bear Rupert, "Oh, **this** is all my fault. I'm the one who had to throw away the damn time machine." His eyes the lit up, Stewie had begun to form an idea. "Wait a minute, **that's** it! I've just got to rebuild the time machine, and then I can go back and save Brian!"

So off Stewie went to a favorite black market of his, he hoped that he would be successful in acquiring the right parts to build said machine. But as he left, a car outside the Griffins came across the trash Stewie left out, behind the driver seat was the Griffins local pharmacist and Jewish neighbor, Mort Goldman, who took the items with him, "Oh, happy birthday, Neil!"

* * *

Later on, at the black market, Stewie approached one of his favorite Persian people who had usually had the supplies and all that he needed, "Stewie, how are you?" asked the contact, who's name was Yousef.

"Oh, not well, Yousef." answered Stewie. "I need your help. I have to track down a titanium capacitor for a high-wattage mainframe I'm going to construct."

"Titanium capacitors?" Asked the merchant as he shook his head, "Sorry, there's no way to get those anymore."

Surprised, the infant asked, "What do you mean? You've gotten them for me **before**."

"I know, but the one guy who made those drew a doodle of Mohammed, so he's not around anymore." said Yousef, as he shook his head in sadness, "He wasn't even doing it on purpose, just absentmindedly, while talking on the phone. But it was Mohammed, so…" he gave a shrug, "You know."

Giving up hope, Stewie exhaled in sadness of his own, "Oh, that's awful. Okay, Yousef, thanks, anyway." Heading on his way home, the toddler spoke to Rupert, "Oh dear, Rupert, without those capacitors, it'll be completely impossible to build a functioning time machine." He sighed. "I guess that means Brian is really gone for good."

* * *

About a day or two later, Brian's funeral happened. The following people were some, if not all of the attendees: Jillian Russell, one of Brian's previous human girlfriend's, Brian's cousin Jasper, his partner Ricardo, Neil Goldman, Cleveland Brown, his new wife Donna Tubbs, Tom Tucker, Joyce Kinney, Doctor Elmer Hartman, Carl, the owner of the Quahog Mini-Mart, Ida Davis aka Dan Quagmire, Glenn Quagmire's father, Joe and Bonnie Swanson, and so many others to list. One by one, guests came lined up to leave flowers and among other things to pay tribute to the fallen pet of the Griffins.

"Thank you so much for coming, guys." Lois said to Joe. "Brian would be **very** thankful that you're here."

"No problem, Lois." replied Joe. "You know, I usually **don't** come to funerals. Since I'm a cop, I always wind up getting hit by a black woman with a purse."

Sure enough, as if on cue, a random black woman, did in fact start to hit Joe with her purse, "You find the man who did this."

The police officer himself turned around, "Uh, ma'am, what's your relationship to Brian?"

When she didn't give an answer, the woman went on smacking Joe, "You bring him to justice!"

At the same time, Joe tried talking some sense into her, "Are you sure you're at the right funeral?"

His advice went unheeded, "You make sure this angel child didn't die for nothing!

Joe gave it one more try, "Ma'am, Brian's a dog."

She smacked him one last time, "You show the world why you became a cop!"

Giving in, Quahog's finest cop spoke, "Okay."

When everybody was seated, the service began. "Thank you, everyone, for coming today." said Lois.

"None of you people came to **my** funeral!" bellowed an enraged voice, which turned out to be a hologram of Mayor Adam West, who then left.

Ignoring what the Mayor said, Lois resumed her train of thought, "I know Peter wanted to say a few words."

Peter stepped forward, safe to say he was at a loss for words, but he finally found his voice, "Oh, boy, this is, um… This is probably the worst pain I've ever had to go through, and I've sprained my ankle twice." He chose his next words carefully, "Um, the truth is, Brian **wasn't** just my dog. He was my best friend in the whole world." Recalling the good times they shared, and some of Brian's best qualities, the fat man went on. "He was smart, he was loyal, and I guess what I'm trying to say is, he was like a brother to me. And I-I'm gonna spend the rest of my life missing him."

"We're **all** gonna miss him, Peter." agreed his wife. "We're all gonna miss him **very** much."

Indeed, it was a most heartbreaking and saddened moment for all of the Griffins and 8 out of 10 the people of Quahog who knew Brian well, or who had friends who knew him. But the only one who did **not** seem to pay any attention about the seriousness of the situation, let alone give the Griffins any solace or compassion, was the one man who hated Brian with a burning passion… Glenn Quagmire, who was on his phone watching the local Red Sox game. But despite this, no one saw what he was doing, so anything he said or did fell instantly on both deaf ears and blind eyes. "Damn it, Ortiz!" He exclaimed. "Stop swinging at junk!"

The funeral soon reached its last few moments, as Brian's casket was lowered into the ground, and following that, Stewie left behind one last red rose. When the funeral was all over, a great chunk of the guests had left, the only ones who were left were the Griffins and the Swansons. Joe spoke, "I'm sorry that all off this had happen at an inconvenient time for you, guys. But I will do **everything** in my power to find out who would want Brian out of the way."

"That'd be great, Joe. Thanks…" said Lois.

"I'd start with the giant chicken whom I usually fight with, Joe. He seems to hate my guts anyway." suggested Peter.

"Will do." Joe acknowledged. "I'll let you know if anything comes up.

* * *

**Author's Notes**:

* And there we have it, the recap as to what happened in the actual episode, along with some of my own twists and turns. But from here on out, it's worthy of mentioning what I have in store next: As mentioned, I intend to have Joe question Ernie and his family, as well as gather evidence to see who would want to kill Brian. But because there actually was only so much leading up to what happened on the day of the incident, you can imagine the trail will easily begin to go cold rather quickly if Joe doesn't act fast.  
* From the recap's opening, I'd just like to say I personally have nothing against Native Americans. But looking back on the way they were treated in the first act of the real episode of "Life of Brian", it's safe to say they were not in the slightest bit politically correct, then again, 5 out of 10 times some ethnic types are not. And as you can guess, I didn't wanna rewrite **that** part, word for word.  
* As you've gathered, I am not including the part where a random squirrel kicks and spits on Brian calling him a dick. Mostly because it was out of place in the final episode, so all the more reason to evict it.  
* Normally, I would include Peter's talk with the beheaded chicken and it tells him that he has a bad reputation in the chicken community from the actual episode, but because Ernie **does** play a part of my retelling, I've decided to leave out that bit of dialogue.  
* The duet version of "All the Way" and its rights are owned by Frank Sinatra and Céline Dion, as they sang the duet rather beautifully, if you haven't heard this version of the beloved song, I'd highly recommend listening to it. Also, on the note of songs, during Brian's finally moments, I had some alternative songs I had in mind for Brian and Stewie to sing, which included, but did **not** limit to: "If I Never Knew You" from Disney's _Pocahontas_ (the end credits version at least), Chicago's "You're the Inspiration", Queen's "You're My Best Friend", "We Have All the Time in the World" by Louis Armstrong from the James Bond 007 movie _On Her Majesty's Secret Service_ and Westlife's "Flying Without Wings". All of which are songs that I love. And again, if for some reason you haven't listened to these songs, I'd highly recommend listening to them.  
* Family Guy is owned and © by Seth MacFarlane.  
* I own almost nothing here in this chapter, save, of course, the following details: Ernie's son Birt (whom I created) and some of the new dialogue that's not in the **actual** episode that I added on my own account.  
* The only other bit of dialogue that is **not** my own dialogue, Brian's description and words of wisdom to the Griffins before his death were based off the words of wisdom and farewell too the X-Men from Charles Xavier came from the final episode of _X-Men: The Animated Series_, "Graduation Day".

That being said, until the next chapter, I am _**maxparker89**_ signing off…


	3. Joe's Investigation

Chapter 2: **Joe's Investigation**

* * *

True to his word, Joe went straight to work. As the first week began, Joe had Brian's body brought in for examination, the forensic medical examiner examined the dog thoroughly. In the end, it was revealed that the tire tracks on Brian's body came from a silver 2010 Mercedes-Benz E-Class coupe. But outside of that, there was not much to go on as the license and registration papers were nowhere to be found. Remembering what Peter said earlier about Ernie and his family, Joe brought in them for examination. "Thank you for coming down to the station, Mr. Fowler."

"Of course, Officer Swanson." Ernie nodded, "How may my family and I help you?"

"I trust you remember the day of the incident when you and your family ran over one Brian Griffin?" asked Joe. "Let alone, heard about his death?"

Shaking his head sadly, the chicken replied, "Oh yes, we've heard. We were **so** sorry to hear the news. He seemed like a good dog."

"He **was**." added the officer. "Well, depending on who you ask… Anyway, I'd like you and your wife to give me some information as to what you and your son were doing on the day of the incident."

Ernie looked at his wife Nicole, who spoke up, "Well, for starters, we were going to visit my sister, Birt's aunt Henrietta. The reason for this is because her birthday is a few days away and we wanted to surprise her."

"Ah, my early congratulations to her." smiled the toughest officer Quahog had, his face then became serious again. "And was that **the** only reason you were driving earlier on the day of the incidentally?"

"No, looking back on it, there **was** one other reason." answered Ernie, who shook his head.

Intrigued, Swanson raised an eyebrow, "Would you care to elaborate on **that**?" he inquired.

"Of course." replied the fat avian male. "I was hoping to make amends with Peter, as it's no secret me and him aren't on the best of terms."

Having heard about his and Peter's streetfights, Joe nodded, "So I've heard. Well, if there's nothing else, I'd like to call Aunt Henrietta to come down to the station and have her give her input about everything. If you two don't mind?"

"Not at all, Officer Swanson." replied Nicole.

* * *

Sure enough, Aunt Henrietta came on down to the station.

"Thank you for coming down, Aunt Henrietta." said Joe. "I would like to ask you a couple of questions."

"Of course, how may I help you, Officer Swanson?" nodded Aunt Henrietta.

"First off, Happy almost Birthday." beamed Joe, his face then became stern again. "Secondly, I trust you've heard about the incident with one Brian Griffin?" he asked.

"Thank you." beamed the middle aged bird, who then saddened her eyes. "And yes, I've heard about that dog. Shame about his death."

"I have it on good authority that your sister Nicole, your brother-in-law Ernie and your nephew Birt were on their way to pay you a visit, so as to surprise you for your birthday." explained Swanson. "Anything that I've missed?"

"Well, other than Ernie wanting to make amends with Brian's owner… What was his name, Petro? Pytor?" Nicole's sister asked, trying to remember Peter's name.

"Peter." answered Joe, calmly.

"**That's** the one." said the Aunt. "But no, I can't think of anything else."

After a little thought, Joe decided that, like the rest of her family, Aunt Henrietta was telling the truth and let them off the hook. "Very well, that is all." he said. "Thank you."

And so Ernie and his family were let off the hook.

* * *

Later on, that same week, Joe got around to thinking and was told by Lois that the only person who Brian was not on good terms with was her father and Peter's father-in-law, Carter Petwerschmidt. So, Carter came down to the station to be questioned. "Thank you for coming down on such short notice, Mr. Petwerschmidt." said Joe.

"Whatever makes this day go by easier for you, Officer Swanson." grunted Carter.

"Now I know it's common knowledge from Lois that you and Brian rarely saw eye to eye," Swanson went on, "but could you tell me what you were doing on the day of the incident?"

"Very well, if you must know," replied Peter's father-in-law, beginning to recall his day. "I went to work as per usual, and it was not until I got a call from Lois that I heard of Brian's, what's the word?" He just wording carefully, "Predicament."

"And how **did** you react upon hearing the news?" inquired Swanson, there was a long pause. After what seemed like half an hour, Joe went on pressuring Carter. "Mr. Petwterschmidt? Please answer the question."

The old man answered after finding his voice, he spoke and sighed, "I was devastated. I knew Brian was a tough cookie, rather like me. So I knew something was awry when Lois told me everything." He reached into his wallet and pulled out a picture, "I too, know what it's like to lose a beloved one, whether it be pet or human." He handed the photo to Joe.

Examining the photo, Joe saw that in the photo, there was a munch younger Carter in his teenage years with a light brown Belgian Sheepdog. "Who's the Belgian Sheepdog? I always thought Seabreeze was your main dog." he asked.

"First off, she **wasn't** always." replied the billionaire. "Secondly, I had **many** pets before Seabreeze." Pointing to the Belgian Sheepdog, he continued his story, "**That** was my very **first** dog, Cooper. He was a good dog, me and him did all sorts of things together: Running, walks on the beach, we did everything." He smiled in happiness, "Cooper and I did everything together, until…" He paused and his smile faltered.

"Go on." Joe nodded.

"He was bit by a rabid wolf." sighed Lois's father, as newfound tears came to his eyes. "My parents offered to shoot Cooper for me, but I did it myself."

"Huh, just like _Old Yeller_." pondered Joe.

Carter simply hung his head down in shame, "I came to decide on two things on that day. **First**, I would never take another life, unless it was in self-defense."

"And the second?" quizzed Swanson, handing the photo back.

"**Second**, if I was ever gonna have a pet again, let alone have them start a family, I would do my best to take better care of them." answered Carter, as he whipped away his tears and took his photo back.

Joe pondered Carter's answers, he then spoke after a long silence, "You know, Mr. Pewterschmidt, when you take the time to talk to people, you're not as all hard headed and stoned faced as you may appear." he smiled, "Hell, you're **not** an asshole at all. Deep down, I think you're a good guy."

This caused Carter to smile in relief, "Thanks, Officer Swanson."

"I thank **you**, for taking time out of your busy schedule." he replied.

And so, Carter was let off the hook.

* * *

So Joe went on talking with other people of Quahog who may or may not have known Brian, but each of them gave their own answers: Either they only heard of him and didn't know him professionally, but if they **did** know him, they were more than happy to answer any and all questions. It soon became apparent that the trail was going to go cold, unless he found a suspect, all his efforts for finding the killer will have been in vain. One day, as the second week went down, Joe got a phone call, he answered it. "Hello, this is Officer Joe Swanson." He nodded to the fellow officers, who started to record the phone call.

A voice spoke on the other line, "Are you still looking to find out who wanted the Griffins dog Brian killed?"

"I am indeed." answered Joe. "**Who** is this?"

"My name is not important." replied the voice. "What **is** important is that I can help you."

Joe pondered the answer, normally, it was normal for the caller of 911 emergencies to identify themselves. But if indeed this was anonymous tip, Joe could identify the caller and his voice later, "Go on…"

"Meet me at the Quahog Public Library in 10 minutes."

"Okay." nodded Swanson.

"I'll have some information for you. Come alone…" The voice continued and then hung up, the recording stopped.

"What the hell was that all about?" Joe quietly asked himself calmly in confusion, as he faced the camera.

* * *

Minutes later, as per the stranger's request, Joe arrived outside at the Quahog Public Library. He then saw a hooded figure approach him, Joe raised an eyebrow, "Are you the one I received a call from earlier, I understand that you have some information for me?"

The stranger nodded and spoke, "I do." He took out some manila folders and handed them to Joe. "Here you go."

Joe didn't know what to say, on the one hand this stranger was a curious man to say the least, but on the other hand, this guy could be very helpful. As the figure turned to leave, Swanson called to him, he found the words, "Wait!" The newcomer turned around, "I would like to know your name. How can I possibly thank you, uh…?"

"**No** thanks are necessary, Officer Swanson." said the mystery man. "I'm just trying to do what feels right."

Still curious, Joe went on, "At least tell me your name, that way I can ask you for further help if needed."

After a long pause, the figure gave in and told Joe their name, "My name is Oh Long Johnson."

"Thank you, Mr. Johnson." said Swanson, who received no '**you're welcome**' in return. The strange figure, no, Oh Long Johnson, was gone. "Huh, now I know why Commissioner Gordon hates it when Batman does **that** to him."

In Joe's mind, we saw that exact cutaway:

* * *

On top of Police Headquarters in Gotham City, Commissioner Gordon was talking to Batman about enlisting the newly appointed District Attorney who the people of Gotham had just appointed and voted for, as well as reaching crime all time high and how the would need the DA's help to tackle crime if they wanted to bring it to a much lower rate than where it currently stood.

"When the new DA gets wind of the rate crime is climbing," Gordon implied regarding the crime rate, "he'll want to join our posse."

"You mean, Harvey Dent?" asked Batman, pondering the name. "Can we trust him?"

"It'll be hard **not** to include him." The Commissioner replied, looking away for a moment. "From what I've heard, he's as stubborn as you and he seems to be the best that…" When Gordon turned around, Batman was gone. "That we got." He let loose a heavy sigh, "Son of a bitch, I **hate** it when he does that." He turned off the Bat Signal.

"Boo!" said Batman, scaring the cleanest cop in Gotham, who screamed in fear.

"**Don't** ever do that to me again, Batman!" bellowed Jim. "I'm not getting any younger, you know."

"Sorry, Commissioner." The Dark Knight said, smiling rather sheepishly. "Neither am I."

* * *

Back at the Police Station, Joe opened the manila files, he then put some rubber gloves and set to work on beginning to examine the evidence that was inside. "Okay, let's see what we got." Among the items he found inside included, but not limit to: Records of threatening text messages to Brian, the rental paper work belonging to the silver 2010 Mercedes-Benz E-Class coupe, which had the Peter Griffin's signature, etc. Upon seeing everything, Joe's eyes widened in horror and in shock. "My God, it **all** makes since now… The Griffins aren't as clean or good neighbors as I once thought." he paused to think. "They in fact murdered their own dog…" he frowned. "Those **bastards**! This ends now!" He spoke into a walkie-talkie, "Come in, Officer Mills."

"Go ahead, Lieutenant Swanson." replied a voice on the other side.

"Officer Mills, have a warrant from Mayor West made at once. We've got an arrest to make, first thing tomorrow." continued Joe.

"And **who** are we arresting, Officer Swanson?" inquired the new officer.

"The Griffins, Officer Mills… The Griffins!" answered Swanson, who frowned.

* * *

**Author's Notes**:

* Uh-oh, looks like the case to find Brian's killer has taken an unexpected turn! But the big question remaining left is this… "Why would the Griffins want to murder their own family member, let alone, their pet?" Or is it possible they are being framed? Find out in the next chapter…  
* I know that Ernie and his wife Nicole don't actually have a given last name, but I thought it be only fair to think up one for them.  
* Family Guy is owned and © by Seth MacFarlane.  
* Batman and Commissioner Jim Gordon are owned by DC Comics and are © by Bill Finger and Bob Kane.

That being said, until the next chapter, I am _**maxparker89**_ signing off…


	4. People of Quahog vs The Griffin family

Chapter 3: **People of Quahog vs. The Griffin Family**

* * *

The very next the morning, as the sun rose at the 31 Spooner Street, the Griffins were eating breakfast as per normal. Since Brian's funeral, the Griffins had talked about the good memories they all shared making with Brian. But today was about to go from a normal and sunny day to a dark and gloomy day for them. Lois laid had an extra plate of breakfast ready, but remembering that Brian was no longer with them, she stopped herself, "My God, I almost served Brian again," she sighed. "I can't believe he's been gone 2 whole weeks."

Stewie agreed and voiced his own opinion, "Can we at least get rid of the doggy door so Chris doesn't keep getting stuck in it?"

Sure enough, Chris's head popped up near said door, "Every day I get a little further in." he said excitedly.

Realizing there was only but one option, Pete's wife voiced her thoughts, "You know, I hate to say it, but I-I'm starting to think the only way to stop missing Brian is to get a new dog."

Deciding to go with one of his usual shenanigans, Peter added, "**Or** do we all get Ghostbuster jumpsuits with our names on them?" He then sang some of the lyrics to the theme song, "_Who you gonna call? The Griffins!_"

But Lois wasn't finished as she continued, "I'm serious, Peter." She then turned to face the rest of the family, "I know it might take time to find the right dog, but I really feel like it might be the best way for us to move on."

"Yeah, dad." added Chris.

Meg couldn't help but agree, "**That** would be nice."

Giving in, Peter realized Lois was right, "All right. Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to look."

Upon hearing the idea, Stewie was all shaken up at the idea of not only getting a new pet, but also a new best friend, "Really? Another dog? Look, I miss Brian more than any of you, but…"

"What is it, dude?" Chris asked his baby brother.

But **what** exactly it was the infant wanted to say, he didn't get the chance to say, as police sirens were heard, "Huh, it sounds like Joe made another late night arrest." murmured Peter.

How wrong he was as Joe's voice could be heard through a bullhorn, "Attention, Griffins, come out with your hands above your heads, surrender quietly!"

The fat man giggled, "It must be some prank he's playing."

"You have 2 minutes to comply," continued Peter's best friend. "if you and your family do not, we'll be forced to take drastic measures!" continued Joe.

"I don't think he's joking around, Peter." admitted a rather worried Lois, who turned to face her whole family. "We've got to get out of here, **now**!"

Running for their lives, the Griffins then ran for their lives in and outside of their house. As they did so, Peter had the so-called brilliant idea of having the _Benny Hill_ theme song being played.

One by one, Joe and his fellow officers caught each and every one of the Griffins: Meg was the easiest to catch, as she was easily the number one victim of pranks and the like in the entire family, then Chris was caught, as he tried to hide at Cleveland's old house, Stewie was next, he hid himself in his weapon vault, some of Joe's men were able to decipher the code to his room, which turned out to be 4377 (or Hell), Lois tried to get away by going to various houses, but because she was usually on good terms with Joe's wife Bonnie, who ratted her out, and finally, Peter was the hardest to track, as he used more than one stunt double to help him out, it was only when the _Benny Hill_ chase theme song ended, he landed on the pavement and skinned his knee… **Again**!

Joe pulled his wheelchair to a stop, as Peter lifted up his knee, he then winced and exhaled three times. "Are you done yet, Peter?" he asked.

To which for his answer, Peter winced and exhaled three more times. When he was done, he finally spoke, "Yeah, I'm good, Joe."

"Good." said Joe calmly, he then became serious and spoke to a fellow officer who was Don Knotts' character Barney Fife from _The Andy Griffith Show_, "Cuff him, Fife."

Alarmed, Fife asked in a state of rather shock, "Did you say '**fuck him**'?!" he clutched his heart, "Oh, my poor heart! Well, this isn't a job that's worth the money!"

"No-no-no, I said '**cuff him**', as in '**arrest him**'." replied Swanson, clearing up the whole misunderstanding.

"Oh, that's different." said a relieved Fife, who did as he was told.

As the Griffins were taken to different police cars, Peter asked, "Joe, what… What the hell's going on, what are you doing?!"

"That's what I'd like to know too!" said Lois, more calmly, yet somehow still scared.

"There has to be a mistake!" put in Meg.

"I think we all demand an explanation here!" added Chris.

"Please tell us this is some kind of sick joke!" finished Stewie.

Frowning, Joe replied, "I'm afraid that it's no joke, guys! You **all** are under arrest for the murder of Brian!"

"Well, whatever makes your job easier…" began Chris.

"Brian's been dead for two weeks now…" continued Stewie.

"And we had no idea the suspects…" added Meg.

"Would turn out to be us." included Lois.

"Because after all, we're guilty as char…" finished Peter.

"**Whaaaaaaaaaaat**?!" They all said in shock and horror.

* * *

Later that same day, at the Police Station, the Griffins normal clothes were gone, they now had on prison uniforms and they stood in individual cells: One cell held Lois and Meg and the other one held Peter, Chris and Stewie. The reason for the separation was Joe knew that if Peter and Lois shared the same cell, they would try to get laid and he didn't want that. As Joe entered the cell-block, Lois spoke, "Joe, there has to be a mistake! We didn't murder Brian!"

"Yeah, Joe!" added Peter. "We're your neighbors, you can trust us for old times sake, can't you, buddy?"

"I wish that I **could**, guys." said a both somber and stern Joe. "But I have to do my duty."

The fat man giggled, "Doddie!"

"**Not** now, Peter!" bellowed Swanson at Peter, who retreated in fear. "Not ever again!" The officer's face then became less stiff as tears burned in his eyes. "I thought you guys were my friends, let alone my neighbors. But I can see now that I was wrong." He turned to face them all, "But now I see the truth about all of you: Whether you're…" he turned to Stewie, "a matricidal baby, who also happens to be struggling on coming out of the closet…" He turned to Chris, "a complete idiot, who has a short attention span…" He turned to Meg, "a teenage girl, who has too much angst…" He turned to Lois, "a piano recital playing mother, who is also a nymphomaniac…" He finally turned to Peter, "or just down right stupid and one of my former beer-swigging buddies…" he turned to face all of the Griffins again, whipping away his tears as his face hardened, "I was wrong about each and every one of you, and I am so sorry I ever got to know the lot of you."

"But Joe, isn't there anything we **can** do to make it up to you?" asked a desperate Lois.

"There is only three things you **can** do, Lois." replied Joe, whose sternness slightly faded. "One, you had better pray and ask for forgiveness and hope that God is willing to forgive you all for this heinous crime. And if not, you all will be rotting in Hell for the rest of your lives." He paused briefly and then continued, "Two, I suggest you guys find a good attorney and witness who will put up a good testimony to prove your innocence."

"And three?" asked the red haired mother.

"Three," continued Swanson. "Prove me and the entire town of Quahog wrong about what you've done, and you'll earn not only everyone else's forgiveness, but mine as well. And if not, you'll lose, fair and square." He turned to leave, "Good day, Griffins."

But as Joe wheeled his chair around to exit the the cell-block, Peter frowned and decided to aggravate Joe even further. Lois and the rest of the family, sensing what Peter was about to do, tried to stop him from going off the deep end, but it was too late as Peter called out, "You're a crook, Joe. You're a cheat and a swindler… That's what you are!" Joe stopped in mid-wheel as Peter went on ranting. "How can you do a thing like **this**, build up our hopes and not find Brian's true killer and then smash it all to pieces?!" If Peter didn't stop, Joe would explode any second now, "You're an inhuman monster, Joe!"

'**I know**', would've been the perfect response from Joe in Peter's mind, but that's **not** what happened as Peter finished his speech… Peter had done it, Joe turned around in anger and yelled, "I said '**good day**', Peter!" He then left the cell-block and the door slammed.

When Joe was gone, Lois turned to look at Peter in disgust, "Well, Peter, I hope that you're happy with yourself." she said sarcastically.

"What?" her husband asked innocently.

"You just **had** to open your big mouth and tell Joe off, didn't you?" continued Lois, when Peter didn't answer with '**yes**', she went on continuing her own rant to her husband. "Joe's one of your best friends, he suggests how we can prove our innocence, and how do you repay him?" Peter fixed to answer the question, but she didn't give him the chance, "You may have not only turned him against us, but presumably the **whole** town of Quahog as well!" Peter hung his head in shame, "Out of all those days and nights I spent asking myself '**Why do I ever stay married to you**?', you've finally given me the answer why!" The fat man sunk to the bed, "Look at me when I'm talking to you, Peter!" he did so, but as he did gaze at his wife, it was apparent that he was very scared Lois's yelling, "**There** was a time when I truly believed that you were a good soul, a gentleman, a family guy, but **no**, you **had** to go and blow it all sky high!" Tears welled up in the fat man's eyes as she ranted, "Look at yourself, Peter… You're a shallow mockery of who you **used** to be… You have three kids who love you very much, all of whom you don't give a **damn** about, **especially** Meg!"

"Thank you." said Meg, relieved someone was defending her instead of accusing her.

To which Lois nodded in return before looking to face Peter again, "You even had a dog who loved you, and you didn't take the time to notice Brian was one of your best friends, did you?" Peter shook his head no, "You made me believe there was more to violence in movies and sex on TV, as far as those good, old-fashioned values, on which everyone used to rely? They're dead, do you hear me? They're fucking **dead**, because of people like you!" She heaved in and out, "You **used** to be all those things and many more, Peter, but now you're **not**! If we get the '**guilty**' verdict in this trial, I never ever wanna speak to you again!"

There was a long pause before anyone spoke again. Eventually, Peter found the right words to say, "You're right, Lois. You're absolutely right, I'm a **complete** washout of who I used to be. I didn't realize until now, but for the first time in my life, I feel scared not only for myself, but my family as well." He rose up from his bed and whipped away his tears, "I'm gonna do what needs to be done… To ensure Brian didn't die in vain, I will fight the good fight to clear our names. It'll be a long shot, but damn it, it's a risk I'm willing to take." He looked at Lois and the kids, "And if we do win, I'm gonna be a better husband and father than any spouse or child could ever ask for." He frowned, "I swear with God as our witness, we, the Griffin family will not let this be the closing chapter in our lives!"

Lois's disgust disappeared, in its place was her face beaming, "Good, now let's kick some ass and clear our names!"

"But who do we know will want to be our attorney?" asked her Peter.

Now **that**, was a major pickle, to say the Griffins didn't have an answer was the understatement of the year. For hours, it looked as thought their silence said it all, if they couldn't find an attorney to represent them, one thing was absolutely certain… They were doomed. It was not until after Lunch, Stewie came up with the answer, "If I may pose a suggestion, I've actually got an attorney and he's more than willing to represent us."

"Stewie, you've had an attorney this whole time, and you never once told us?" asked Lois in surprise, to which Stewie nodded. "Oh, my baby, I'll never doubt you again."

"Way to go, dude!" applauded Chris.

"Holy crap, it's a miracle!" sighed a relieved Peter.

"Now I should warn you, he's a good one, but there's a catch…" warned Stewie, "If you make him, or should I say '**them**', angry, you'll pay the price, double or nothing."

"Well, who'd you get, Stewie?" asked Meg.

"Hello, Stewie." said the voice off-screen.

Hearing the voice, the infant turned to greet it. "Hiya, Harv!" Stewie smiled and greeted the newcomer, he turned to his family as he introduced the voice to his family, it was Batman's own former District Attorney turned rogue for Gotham City, "Family, this is Harvey 'Two-Face' Dent. Harv, this is the family."

"How do you do?" said Two-Face, who wore all a half white and half black suit. "Pleased to meet you."

Safe to say, the Griffins were shocked to see that their attorney was one of Batman's most notorious villains. "Wait-wait-wait a second…" said Peter. "I thought you were a bad guy."

"Well, normally I **am**, " replied Dent, "But you forget, Mr. Griffin, I always decide on everything with the flip of a coin." he said as he showed off his trick.

"Then, **why** would you want represent us?" asked Lois.

"Let's just say I owe Stewie a favor or two." answered the former DA of Gotham City, as he caught his coin.

In Two-Face's mind, we saw that exact flashback:

* * *

At Two-Face's hideaway, he was busy tiding up some paperwork, when his phone rang.

"Hello?" answered Two-Face.

"Hey, Harv." said Stewie on the other end.

"Oh, hello, Stewie." replied Dent.

"Listen, about tomorrow's lawsuit trial on me vs. _Hey Arnold!_, could you disclose to the court we're related?" asked the infant.

"Sure, Stewie. And if they ask, **how** are you two related?" asked Harvey.

"Oh, just say I'm the source of inspiration to Arnold's football shaped head. Well, that and I was him in a former life." replied the baby. "But not in **that** way, if you catch my meaning."

"I'll see what we can do." complied Dent understanding that Stewie was secretly a homosexual. "How did this lawsuit happen, anyway?"

"Well…" began Stewie.

* * *

In Stewie's mind, he was there in the intro of the classic Nickelodeon cartoon. Helga G. Pataki and her crew were marching in place to meet Arnold, who unbeknownst to her, was replaced by Stewie, who led Arnold's group of friends.

"Move it, Football Head!" shouted Helga.

But rather than stepping aside as Arnold would normally, Stewie simply smirked and said calmly, holding out his hands, "No, **you** move, bitch."

Helga than huffed and left to cross to the other side, as the unseen chorus shouted, "_Hey Arnold_!" Stewie smiled for the camera.

Stewie then turned around to face the opposite direction, "She's gone, Arnold."

But rather than the **real** Arnold Shortman being there, it was instead famous actor Arnold Schwarzenegger dressed as the titular character, "Thanks, Stewie, I owe you one."

* * *

Back in the past, Two-Face sighed to what Stewie told him, "It'll be a long shot, Stewie, seeing as you insulted Helga, but I'll see what strings I can pull."

A few days later, the trial was let out, and by the time it was over, Nickelodeon dropped all of the charges against Stewie. Seeing the headline, the infant shook a fist in delight, "Yes, justice prevails!" He turned to his attorney, "Thanks, Harv. You're not all so '**big bad**' after all."

The man formerly known as Harvey Dent nodded and smiled, "I know, I'm such a nice guy." And with that, the flashback ended…

* * *

"So, as you can see, I me and Stewie go way back, Mrs. Griffin." Two-Face turned back to Lois. "Now, that aside, let's get to work and set to work on telling your testimony." For the next 6 hours, the Griffins and Two-Face set to work on figuring out how they intend to fight in court to prove their innocence. When their time was up. Two-Face spoke and sealed up his half white and half black briefcase, "Well that's that. Nothing to do left now except can only hope that we win the case and prove your innocence."

"Oh, Harv, before you go, one more thing…" Stewie added.

"Yes, Stewie?" asked Dent. Stewie leaned a little too close to him, sensing what he was up to, Two-Face yelled, "Get out of my face, Stewie!"

To which Stewie retorted playfully, "**Which** one?"

Gotham's former DA rolled his eyes and then muttered to himself, "Damn it, I have got to stop falling **that** one."

"Burn!" said Peter giggling.

* * *

The very next morning, sure enough in court, just as Lois predicted, all of Quahog was ready to condemn the Griffins for their murder. The bailiff spoke, "All rise, the honorable Judge Darwin Quincy Bowman presiding."

All of the people Quahog rose out of their seats. "All right, case number FG6394: _The People of Quahog vs. The Griffin family_." said the Judge. "Prosecution and defense?"

The prosecutor, who was that of Marvel Comics own Norse God of mischief, Thor's half brother and all around despicable menace, Loki Laufeyson, spoke, "The prosecution is ready, your honor." He wore an emerald green business suit, with a gold necktie and black boots, in his hands was a gold walking cane.

Two-Face tossed his coin high in the air, it landed on the scarred side, "The defense is also ready, your honor."

"Mr. Laufeyson," Bowman went on, "your opening statement, please?"

The Norse god approached the court and spoke, "Ladies and gentlemen of Quahog, your honor… I am Loki of Asgard and I am burdened with glorious purpose." The crowd of people reacted by using a huge '**ooooooh**', "I am here to teach the Griffins a lesson, that crime does **not** pay. They are by far, some of the most uncivilized and corrupt who have ever set foot in your town," he started to show tears, whether or not they were crocodile tears was anyone's guess. "when I heard of Brian Griffin's death, I was appalled, as he was a good dog. By the time I'm through here, you'll realize that not only did the Griffins kill their own beloved pet and friend, but they also intend to, if given the chance, kill your loved ones too." He whipped away his tears and sneered, "So I ask you, leave it up to me and I'll see to that this so called family are a bunch of ne'er-do-wells and they will receive what's coming to them." He turned to point a finger at the Griffins, "There is no other conclusion that you can reach but that of the fact that the Griffin family is guilty!" The word echoed though the courtroom as the people gasped, the Griffins trembled and there was a long silence, until Loki cleared this throat and sat down, "Thank you."

Stewie than ran up to Loki, "How dare you, Loki, I used to look up to you, man! We were tight But now, our friendship is ruined! And another thing…" He sniffed himself, "Oh, great, now I've fudged my diaper thanks to you!" Turning to Lois, he asked her to change him, but as she did so, Stewie gave you the '**I'm watching you**' look with his fingers.

"Control yourself, Stewie, you'll get us kicked out." warned Two-Face, as he took Stewie back to Lois so his diaper could be changed.

"Sorry, Harv." said Stewie sheepishly.

The dark-skinned man looked at Two-Face, "Mr. Dent, your opening statement?"

Rising from his seat, Dent spoke, "Ladies and gentlemen of Quahog, your honor… The Griffins are **not** perfect. I know it, you know it, they know it, Hell, the **whole** world knows it." He started going through his pockets to retrieve his coin, "But think before you do anything irrational, ask yourselves, why would they want to rub Brian, their own dog and good friend out? What would they have to gain?" He tossed it and went on speaking, "I hope by the time this trial is over you realize, not only was he dear to the Griffins, but the Griffins loved as an equal, if not unorthodox, member of their family." he then caught the coin. "And if you've ever lost a loved one, be it human, pet or otherwise, I'm sure we all can find ourselves relating to this heartbreak. Thank you." He sat down too.

From there on, for the next 2 weeks, both Loki and Two-Face went on cross examining evidence and questioning the Griffins. Both man and god were evenly matched in their duel to see if the Griffins were innocent or guilty. Various other parties were called up to state their testimony, this included, but did not limit too: many of Brian's old girlfriends, Babs (Lois's mother) and Carter, classmates of Meg, Chris and Stewie, co-workers of Peter, Cleveland himself, Joe and Bonnie, Ernie and his family, etc. You get the point, the whole city of Quahog were called to testify in their own words how they knew and felt about the Griffins.

* * *

**Author's Notes**:

* Fill free to make up your own dialogue for the trial here, as I don't specialize in court scenes. Plus, it'll make it so much more fun when you, the reader, to think something up.

* * *

By the end of it all, the trial had reached one final day in court. It was on that day, the trial reached a close and the verdict was given. "Mr. Foreman, have you reached a verdict?" asked Bowman.

A masculine foreman spoke, "We **have**, your honor. We find the defendants, the Griffin family… Guilty of murder of their dog, Brian."

"Damn it all!" swore Two-Face, banging his fist on his desk.

The Griffins were surprised at the final verdict, they couldn't have killed their friend, let alone their dog. Could they?

"Oh, no!" said Peter.

"Oh, no!" cried Lois.

"Oh, no!" wailed Chris.

"Oh, no!" uttered Meg.

"Oh, no! What?!" finished Stewie.

The Kool-Aid Man jumped through the wall, "Oh, yeah!" Feeling the eyes of the courtroom upon him, the mascot made his exit.

Enraged by the Kool-Aid Man's return, the dark-skinned man asked, "What did I say about you people to stop saying '**oh-no**' in this courtroom?! Do you realize how much damage the the Kool-Aid guy has done enough damage to this courtroom?!" He then turned his attention to the Griffins and spoke severely to Peter, "Mr. Griffin, it's time put you and your family away, **forever**." He then turned to the whole family, "But before I do, I want you all to know what I've thought of you five for the years." He inhaled and exhaled, then he made a major frown. "You pompous, stuck up, twerp, scumbag, narcissistic, self-centered, stuck up, spineless, beer swigging, piano reciting, dimwitted, ugly faced, matricidal, dog murdering, negligent parenting, terrible kids, all around just downright godawful, assholes!" He inhaled and exhaled again, and then spoke once more, "Okay, I'm good." The Judge raised his gavel, "Justice is finally getting her chance frown upon you sorry lot." He turned to Joe. "Officer Swanson, you may take them away."

As Joe fixed to do so, he looked at the Judge, then at the Griffins. He did this several times, but as he looked at the Griffins, he could see that they all had tears in their eyes. He removed five pairs of handcuffs from his pockets as his face hardened with a mix of anger and sadness, "I'm sorry, guys, but I have to do my duty."

But before he could handcuff all of the Griffins, the courtroom door broke open as Brian, who was thought to be dead until recently, and a woman arrived on the scene, the light of sunlight shone upon the dog. "Joe, **don't**!" Joe froze in shock. "They're innocent! The true guilty party who wanted me dead sits among you and the court!"

"Brian," said Chris "it's you!"

"We thought you were dead!" added Meg.

"And just **where** the hell have you been?" frowned Stewie.

Rather dryly, the Labrador replied, "Enjoying death." He then went back to speaking normally. "H. Brian Griffin reporting for duty."

"Brian, my buddy!" cried Peter.

"Brian, you're alive! But how can that be?" inquired Lois.

"It will all be revealed in time, Lois. But for now, I'm home." answered the white Labrador.

How Brian was alive to all of the Griffin and the courtroom was indeed confusing, but now that he was back, nothing else mattered more as the Griffins and Brian then shared a big family hug. The Judge arched an eyebrow, "I'm confused. We all thought you were dead, Mr. Griffin."

Removing himself from the hug, Brian stepped forward, "And believe me, your honor, I thought the same thing. Until now…"

"You said that, '**the true guilty party sits among us**,'" inquired Bowman, "do you know who it is that wanted you dead?"

Brian nodded, "Yes, I do. I remember clear as daylight, for God has granted me a vision. If you'll allow me to speak, your honor?"

Loki spoke, "Objection, your honor! How do we know this isn't an impostor posing as Brian?"

The man who kept order in Quahog allowed Brian's request, "Overruled." He nodded to Brian, "Proceed, Mr. Griffin."

Brian began walking around the courtroom, He cleared his throat, "Ladies and Gentlemen of the courtroom, your honor… Think for a moment before you condemn the Griffins. The true guilty party is the **only** one who wanted me out of the way, he also framed the Griffins for a crime that they did **not** commit. He is also the only one truly hates me. The man who tried to have me killed is none other than Quahog's own sex fiend and perverted neighbor, who also happens to be a serial rapist."

Thinking it was him, John Herbert, aka Herbert the Pervert ducked in fear, "I knew it! I'm doomed!"

Compassionately, Brian approached the elder, "It's not you, Mr. Herbert, the **true** rapist is someone else."

"Oh, thank God!" sighed the old man, coming out of hiding.

Nodding at Brian's charges, the dark-skinned man asked, "**Who** is it, Mr. Griffin? Out with it, we're all dying to know!"

Brian frowned and shrugged, "Who the **fuck** else do you think it is?" He stopped walking. "The **true** attempted murder who tried to kill me, who also framed the Griffins, my family, who hates me more than anything…" He pointed a finger at the man who hated him the most and who God showed him in a vision. "is none other than Quahog's very own **Glenn Quagmire**!"

**_*DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!*_**

Upon hearing his name, Quagmire's face then hardened with both anger and shock at the fact Brian was somehow still alive, everyone in the courtroom gasped.

There was a long silence until Bowman spoke again, "**That** is a very serious accusation, Mr. Griffin." He frowned, "If you'll tell the court where you have been after all this time, if not pushing up daises?"

"I would be honored to." replied Brian, as he sat in the witness box, ready to tell his whole story.

But **that** was a chapter for another time…

* * *

**Author's Notes**:

* Boy, that escalated rather quickly! I was ready to make this said revelation right from the start as I wrote this rewrite. And whether or not Brian's accusations will prove correct about Quagmire, only time would tell.  
* "**Why Quagmire?**", you might be asking… Think about it for a moment, even if there is more to Quagmire than meets the eye, if you want proof you that hates Brian, you have only to look at key pieces of evidence that he is not as squeaky clean as one makes him out to be. It's true Brian has also his share of filthy moments, but that's beside the point, onto the countdown the following are, to me, the list of Glenn Quagmire's most vile deeds:

• Having sexual relations with Sandy Belford from Child Protective Services, because of that, she does have him arrested. ("Love Thy Trophy" – Season 2, Episode 5)  
• Stating he has a so called 'package' for a delivery lady, implying sexual harassment, even worse is the fact the mace she uses against him does nothing. ("Fore Father" – Season 2, Episode 21)  
• Disguising himself as a priest and letting women inside his house, probably getting lady with them too ("One If by Clam, Two If by Sea" – Season 3, Episode 4)  
• Him wanting to get laid not only with Connie D'Amico and her mother, which Lois arranged as a revenge plot for Connie teasing Meg. Lois should've thought better on hiring him in the first place. ("And the Wiener is…" - Season 3, Episode 5)  
• About to have sex with gagged and tied-up a high-school cheerleader, and he openly admits the word 'jackpot'. ("Peter Griffin: Husband, Father… Brother?" - Season 3, Episode 14)  
• Watching Lois go to the bathroom and Lois is frightened as a result of his actions, granted, he learns a lesson, but it's not the same. ("Blind Ambition" - Season 4, Episode 3)  
• Having an affair with Loretta, which should've put a strain on his Cleveland's friendship, but it did not ("The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire" - Season 4, Episode 5)  
• Trying to rape Brooke Roberts while on the The Bachelorette, how he didn't get kicked off the show is anyone's guess. Adding to that, wants to have a three way with Brooke and his mom, implying he may or may not have committed incest. ("Brian the Bachelor" - Season 4, Episode 7)  
• Hating his marriage to Joan and allowing Death to take her away for his sake to remain single. Even worse, he asks Death to leave her body around for a few more minutes, implying he is going to commit necrophilia. ("I Take Thee Quagmire" - Season 4, Episode 21)  
• Him confessing to having sex with a giraffe, granted no-one in the neighborhood hears him, but the fact still remains he committed Bestiality. ("Barely Legal" – Season 5, Episode 8)  
• Storing away scantily clad Asian women in the trunk of his car, that right there is a case of kidnapping. ("Airport '07" – Season 5, Episode 12)  
• Filming Meg in the bathroom with a video camera, even worse is the fact Meg is not freaked out by this. ("Road to Germany" - Season 7, Episode 3)  
• Acting as a chair for Lauren Conrad in the hopes to get laid with her when the latter, while she eats dinner with the Griffins. Also, in the same episode, he has committed necrophilia with a dead virgin. ("We Love You, Conrad" – Season 7, Episode 14)  
• Getting rid of his daughter Anna Lee and later admitting he'll 'bump' into her 18 years later, presumably meaning incest ("Quagmire's Baby" - Season 8, Episode 6)  
• Trying to get laid with Lois while Peter has amnesia, any sane man would show her compasion, but not like that. ("Big Man on Hippocampus" – Season 8, Episode 10)  
• Lying to Joe about being a virgin and getting laid with Bonnie, and Joe doesn't arrest him afterwards. ("April Comes to Quahog" - Season 8, Episode 16)  
• Beating Brian up to a bloody pulp for sleeping with his dad, despite the fact the Brian had no idea about Ida and Dan Quagmire were one and the same until Stewie cleared that up. Also, he can't learn to appreciate his dad's change sexual looks and choices ("Quagmire's Dad" - Season 8, Episode 19)  
• Running over Brian and not giving him a lift home from dinner when both man and dog's girlfriends desert them. ("Tiegs for Two" - Season 9, Episode 14)  
• Murdering his brother-in-law Jeff, getting away with it and not be arrested by Joe, who allows this to happen instead of doing the right thing by arresting Jeff. ("Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q" - Season 10, Episode 3)  
• Trying to get laid with Meg, even after she turns 18, and she's not yet out of high-school, plus, he is so much older than the latter. ("Meg and Quagmire" - Season 10, Episode 11)  
• Sleeping with a high-school girl, his mom later sleeping with the judge and him not going to prison for his crime. ("Quagmire's Mom" - Season 13, Episode 10)  
• Him having illegal children, all of whom, outside of Anna Lee, he's never cared for. (various episodes)

* * *

* Well, I hope that you have all leaned something here. And that is as follows: Quagmire is **not** a good character at all in Family Guy, he's (to me, at least) **the** most vile disgusting character who has ever roamed Quahog. If anything, I hope that this will not only open everyone's eyes a lot more, that and, I hope Quagmire, if he were a real person, rots in Hell for I care.  
* In the original episode, it's said that Brian was gone almost a whole month, but remember, I am not trying to go for accuracy as this is my retelling. Also, Stewie states he misses Brian too, and he voices his opinion that, according to him, "At least now no one's forcing us to watch those awful PBS documentaries." But I decided not to include that cutaway, as it was not needed.  
* For the record, I know that Darwin Quincy Bowman is not the Judge's **actual** given name, it is in fact, Judge Dignified Q. Blackman, but because I felt the writers and whatnot were lazy to give him an actual name, I thought I'd do so. His namesake comes from the following places: Darwin coming from both Charles Darwin aka the guy who came up with the theory of evolution, which I don't believe in, and from fellow X-Men character Darwin, who has the power of "reactive evolution", he also briefly appeared in _X-Men: First Class_. Quincy coming from both the 6th President of the USA John Quincy Adams and from music producer Quincy Jones. And Bowman coming from one of my favorite underrated villains, Devlin Bowman who comes from the 2002 comedy _The Master of Disguise_, who to be fair, **was** in fact, a little over the top, what with his flatulence problems and wanting to steal the world's rarest treasures.  
* Family Guy is owned and © by Seth MacFarlane.  
* Harvey 'Two-Face' Dent is owned by DC Comics and is © by Bill Finger and Bob Kane.  
* Loki Laufeyson is owned by Marvel Comics and is © by Stan Lee, Larry Lieber and Jack Kirby.  
* Helga G. Pataki and Arnold Shortman are owned by Nickelodeon studios and and is © by Craig Bartlett.  
* Barney Fife is owned and © by Sheldon Leonard.  
* Kool-Aid Man is owned and © by Kraft Heinz.  
* The woman who accompanied Brian to court is Grace Luna Fey, remember, she's a character of my own creation and she is owned and © by me.

That being said, until the next chapter, I am _**maxparker89**_ signing off…


	5. Brian's saving Grace… Literally

Chapter 4: **Brian's saving Grace… Literally**:

* * *

And so Brian began to tell his story, a short while after his funeral, everyone went back to their normal activities. While the Griffins tried to adjust to life without having their favorite dog, other things were going on to keep the town busy. Meanwhile while all of this was happening, unbeknownst to anyone, that night after the funeral, a single human female dug up Brian's coffin and took the body. Before leaving, the female left behind a perfect clone of the dead dog, wounds and all. As she carried the Labrador, the female drove away from the cemetery, barely conscious, Brian got a look see at her. He hoarsely whispered, "Lois?" He then drifted into a state of unconsciousness.

Four days later, with all evidence cleared away to make sure no one could trace this to her, the female returned to her home. There, in her bedroom, Brian slowly regained consciousness after a four day coma to find he was in fact very much alive, resting in a nice, warm bed and not dead… Yet.

"Where am I?" Brian asked.

The voice, which Brian had yet to find and see its face spoke, "You're in my house at 4055 Cedar Way. And it is 15 minutes after 10 in the morning, on September the 15th, if you wish to know."

Now fully awake, seeing the voice and recognizing the voice and looks, which belonged to a woman, Brian spoke, "**You**? You're the one who…?"

The woman smiled and nodded, she spoke compassionately, "Yes… I'm the one who found you. And you are most fortunate to be here, too." From what Brian could see, the woman stood tall at 5'4" and 135 pounds. But while she was short, she had an athletic hourglass shaped body. She had purple eyes, long black hair with white highlights in certain spots, around her neck was an amethyst stone necklace. She went on speaking, "A few more days and you'd have been beyond my help. But there is still some strength and fight left in you, H. Brian Griffin." She smirked a look of playfulness. "Or would you prefer if I called you H…?"

Brian frowned and cut her off, "Don't even think about it, I don't answer to **that** name for a reason!"

Calming Brian down, the woman replied, "Okay, okay… No need to get all exasperated, Mister '**Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here**'? I'm just getting your goat, that's all."

Brian sighed in defeat, "Fair enough." He began to rise from bed. "I guess I'll be on my way now."

The woman gently shoved Brian back into the bed, "No."

Brian tried again to get out of bed, "But my family needs me."

The woman repeated herself, gesture and all, "No."

Brian tried a third time, "If I don't get to them, they may replace me with another dog. And I **don't** want that."

The woman, again, repeated herself, "You're not going anywhere, Brian. You're still weak, even after I saved you, you're in **no** condition to go anywhere…"

Brian, finally giving in, laid back down. "All right, I'll stay." Looking at the woman, he said. "If it makes you feel any better, I'll stay until my health is back to normal. It's the least I can do. Thanks, Miss…" Realizing something, it then occurred to Brian, he had never seen this woman before. "I've just suddenly realized, I don't know your name."

"Oh, where **are** my manners?" The woman said, as she introduced herself. "My name is Grace, Brian."

Intrigued, Brian asked, "Grace what?"

"Grace Luna Fey." replied Grace.

"It's nice to meet you, Grace. But how did you…?" Stopping his sentence about asking how Grace knew his name, it occurred to Brian that he still had his collar on, he shook his head. "Never mind. You read my collar, right?"

Grace shook her head, "Nope."

"Then, how did you recognize me? It's not as though I'm a celebrity." Brian asked in confusion.

Giggling, Grace walked over to her bookshelf, "I think you're being a little **too** hard on yourself there, Brian. You kinda **are**." It was clear to Brian was she looking a book from her bookshelf. "And I recognized you because of your book…" Grace pulled out a book. "_Wish It, Want It, Do It._" She passed it to him.

Brian smirked, and began looking at his book, "Oh, yeah… I **forgot** that I wrote this. Probably my only **true** success." He raised an eyebrow. "You said that you '**saved me**' earlier, what did you mean by that?"

"I'm a freelance medical chemist and work at the local hospital for your family's doctor… Dr. Elmer Hartman, I believe?" Grace explained, Brian nodded to indicate he was listening. "Anyway, you lost a lot of blood when I found you and heard about your accident, so I acted fast and here you are." Indicating a blood infusion machine which continued to give Brian more of his blood type, Grace went on. "Your blood is being replenished, but you're still weak from the whole affair."

Vaguely recalling the incident himself, Brian asked, "Then, **how** the hell did I survive despite being hit **so** badly?"

Thinking, Grace answered, "Well, I'm not really sure. You were in a coma for almost a whole week and something more may have been at work to bring you back." When Brian didn't ask what it may have been, Grace continued, "If I had to guess, it was divine intervention."

Rolling his eyes, Brian asked, "Oh, for God's sake… You don't believe in that stupid shit do you?" A moment later, he felt a slap to his face, which came from Grace. "Ow! Grace, what the hell?" He asked as Grace slapped him again, in pain, the white Labrador put a paw to his face. "**Ow**! Will you please stop **that**?!"

Grace just merely nodded, pretending not to hear Brian, "As a matter of fact, I do believe in that '**stupid shit**' as you say, as well as the good Lord and his Son." Indicating a cross by her bedside, she frowned. "But I'd appreciate it if you'd refrain from using blasphemy in my house."

Annoyed, Brian rubbed his cheek, "Fine."

Smiling once again, Grace asked, "Good. Now that you're awake, how about I make you some breakfast in bed, Brian?"

Brian nodded with a smile, "That, uh… **That** does sounds good."

"Lovely. Anything that you'd like for me to make for you?" Grace asked.

"Yeah, how about 2 scrambled eggs, 1 sausage link, a slice of toast and a cup of coffee?" Brian requested.

Repeating back the order, Grace said, "You got it… 2 scrambled eggs, 1 sausage link, a slice of toast and a cup of coffee, coming right up." She then held up a finger. "But on **one** condition…"

"I know, I know… **No** blasphemy." said Brian.

Grace shook her head and held out her copy of Brian's book. "Nope. Will you sign my copy of your book?" She turned to a page that showed Brian's picture. "I saw you at a Barnes & Noble once, yet I was never able to get your autograph."

Feeling a bit guilty that he never saw Grace at said book signing, Brian took a Sharpie from Grace's desk and signed the book, "Oh. I'm sorry I didn't see you there."

"It's okay, Brian. I forgive you." Seeing Brian's autograph, Grace squealed in delight. "Thank you, Brian."

Brian smiled back, "And thank **you**, Grace, for saving me."

"You're welcome, Brian." replied Grace.

* * *

From there on, as time went by, Brian was nursed back to health to full health. It was shortly afterwards, that Grace and Brian begin dating each other, but to ensure Quahog still believed he was dead, Brian followed Grace's advice on dating her inside her house. It was as the two dated, to Brian's dismay, because Grace was strict with her beliefs, she wouldn't allow them to advance to do anything with each other sexually. It was only when Brian was willing, he allowed Grace to give him one on one Bible studies, while Brian was hesitant at first, he ultimately agreed to learn. Over time, he began to understand Christianity better. In time, his doubts of God of Jesus, and amongst other people in the Good Book that he originally thought didn't exist had began to die down.

It was on the beginning of the second week of his stay, however, that Brian made a very important discovery… Entering Grace's bedroom, Brian saw a pink dog collar and some dog fur. "What the hell? I didn't know Grace had a dog." He sniffed the collar and fur. "Wait a minute, Grace **doesn't** have a dog…" He laughed to himself. "Outside of dating me, of course." Becoming serious, Brian began thinking of the possibilities as to what this could mean. "So, then that must mean that…" The answer hit him faster than he could say, '**Bob's your uncle**'. His eyes bulged in shock, "My God, it all makes sense to me now, Grace is **not** human, she is in fact a…"

But **what** exactly Grace was, Brian train of thought reached a stopping point as the front door to Grace's house opened. "Brian, you mind helping me with the groceries?" she called out.

Taking the collar and some of the fur, which he hid both items behind his back, Brian called out and headed for the kitchen, "Coming, Grace." Upon entering the kitchen, Brian played it cool, "Sorry about the hold up."

Starting to unload the bags, Grace looked up and smiled, "It's fine, Brian." Brian didn't answer. "You okay? You look spaced out."

In a serious tone, Brian asked, "Grace is there something you're **not** telling me?" When she didn't answer him, he pressed on. "Are you seeing someone else?"

Worried about said question, Grace shook her head, "No, Brian… Never. Why do you ask?" she asked.

"Oh, really?" Brian asked rather sternly, as he showed off Grace's collar and fur. "Then, **how** the hell do you explain **this**?"

Grace backed away, scared, "Brian, what… **What** the hell are you talking about?"

With anger in his voice, lowering the items, Brian said, "Admit it, Grace, you're **not** a human, after all." He pointed a finger at Grace. "You **are** in fact… A dog!" There was a long pause before Grace answered him. "**Well**?!" he asked impatiently.

Grace let loose a heavy sigh, "Yes, Brian, I admit it. I **am**, in fact… A dog." Tears filled her eyes. "But not just any dog, a Siberian Husky. I also happen to be…" She gulped and said her last word hesitantly, "a weredog."

"A weredog?" Brian asked in surprise, he had heard of werewolves, but nothing in this world could prepare him for that revelation. "What the hell is a weredog?"

Grace went on, her voice was breaking as she resumed speaking, "That's not important, what is important is that now you know the truth." She began to cry, "I knew that if you found out, I'd be force to…" But **what** it was she'd be forced to do, Grace **didn't** want to disclose, there was a long pause.

Calming himself and Grace down, drying her tears, Brian asked his girlfriend, "Then why go this far to keep it a secret from me?"

"It's a **long** story, Brian." Grace answered.

Brian held her hand, "I've got time."

Grace sighed, "Okay, just go into my bedroom and I'll tell you everything."

The two lovers kissed. "I'll see you in a few." said Brian.

* * *

Entering Grace's bedroom, Brian waited for Grace. A little while later, when the groceries were put away, off screen, Grace turned into her Siberian Husky form. Walking into her bedroom Brian saw she was now much shorter than Brian's 4'6", she now stood tall at 3'8" and 64 pounds, most of it muscle. As she entered the bedroom, Grace had on all of the same clothing she wore before, new to her clothing was her collar, which had replaced her necklace, which had her amethyst stone. His tail began to wag in excitement, Brian said, "Wow, Grace, you look great."

Grace smiled a modest smile, her tears had long since gone away, but her eyes were a bit red. Her tail wagged at Brian's compliment, she sighed, "Thanks, Brian. I was hoping you'd never see me like this, until a while later." She shrugged, "But if I must, I must…"

"So, how did all of this start?" Brian asked.

To which, Grace answered, "Now first off, you have to understand, those were different times, long before I came and later stayed in Quahog."

Brian nodded, "Of course."

As Grace began to her story, she was drawn back to flashbacks of her past. In her mind, she saw herself as a puppy and by her side were her parents. "I was born as the only child of my mother, Karol, and my father, Anton, a Siberian Husky couple in Kazan, Russia. I led a simple, yet normal life." The memory shifted to a local dog pound. "When I was only 3 months old when my parents were killed by a local pound, where I escaped from." The young Grace saw her parents taken away from her to be killed, for as the laws implied, all strays without owners must be put down. "And later boarded a boat bound for the US, upon my arrival in this beautiful country, I stayed there as a stray, not trusting humans." A short while later she did exactly what she said, several dog pound people tried to stop her, but Grace was much too fast for them.

Recalling his own past, Brian said, "I can relate, for a while, I was on my own. Until Peter took me in."

"You **do** know what that's like, don't you?" asked Grace. The scene dissolved to Grace arriving in the US, hiding under a tree, "Anyway, while here in the States, I encountered a human, with whom I bit, and as the latter died, I was transformed into an anthropomorphic dog. A few days later, I was found a starving puppy by an elderly pastor who had no wife and children of his own."

Sure enough, one day, Grace stood alone by the same tree outside, which is next to a church. She was all alone with no friends and awfully hungry. Whimpering, she never thought her short life would this way, her, still a puppy, hating humans, no home to call her own. Then, right in front of her, an umbrella is held up to keep her dry, Grace looked up, and saw an elderly human pastor.

"Aww, you poor girl." He said. "You must be starving, huh? No place to call your own?"

Grace simply whimpered, started crying and nodded.

"Come with me, girl. You shall live with me from now on." The man smiled and Grace smiled back. She later found herself in the pastor's home, where she was dried off and given some food, which she ate. Laughing warmly, the pastor said, "My-my, you must be hungry, huh, girl?" Grace looked up from eating and licked his face. "Easy, sweetie, I've just saved you and you're energetic all of a sudden." He soon realized something. "Say, if I'm gonna raise you, I'd better give you a name…"

Grace narrated, "I may have surprised the pastor when I told him I could speak, but over time, he came to love me as though I were his own daughter."

"Did the pastor have a name?" asked Brian.

"He did…" said Grace. "His name was Warren Albert Mathis. Anyway, as I lived with him, Warren soon taught me most of the stuff I know now." Brian fixed to ask her, but Grace answer quick as a whistle "Yes, including how to be a disciple of God and Jesus. When I was just 1½, Warren baptized me, and a good thing too, I was a fast, yet steady learner and reader of the Bible."

On that particular occasion, Warren took Grace to the church he taught services at, "Grace, my child, you have come to join me and the Holy community of God and Jesus. Therefore, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost."

And the memory shifted, to what was Grace's second birthday, a small party was thrown for her, but it was mostly celebrated by Grace herself and Warren. "I didn't have many friends at church, but Warren understood my pain. I was not a human, I was in fact, a dog… A godforsaken anthropomorphic Siberian Husky. But I was loved by him just the same, as though I was his own daughter."

Warren handed Grace a present, "Happy birthday, Grace." Upon opening her present, Grace saw inside her package was her collar that Brian came to find, an amethyst stone and a copy of Harper Lee's, _To Kill a Mockingbird_. "Thanks, dad." said Grace as hugged Warren. But realizing she was a dog and not human, she changed her quickly words, "I mean, Warren."

To her surprise, Warren laughed warmly, "Grace, it's fine. I am honored to not only call you a dog, but also my daughter…"

* * *

As she told her story, Grace then began to sniffle, "But the sad thing about life, is how short it is. Half a year later, Warren was on his deathbed." By his very side, Grace stood by her adoptive father and owner in tears, it was unknown what Warren was dying fro, but it was presumed to be from old age.

"I don't want you to go, dad." Grace sniffled.

Petting her head, Warren replied, "I know, sweetheart. But I am truly sorry." There was a long pause as he smiled. "I knew…"

Young Grace looked up, "Knew what? That it would be time for you to…?" She couldn't bring upon herself to say the word 'die', as she wept.

Warren laughed warmly and shook his head, "No sweetie, that somehow, you were the **real** Grace Luna Fey having been reborn. And I am proud of you, Grace. So very proud of you." Grace smiled sadly smiles "I want you to have a new outlook on life."

"Which is what?" asked Grace.

"Learn to accept and love humans, Grace." Grace took hold of his hand. "They **can** be a great people, Grace, they wish to be. But for some reason or another, most of them lack the light to be shown the way." Grace nodded. "But there **is** good in their hearts, I know it. For that reason, above all others, you will be just like them."

"But I'll be alone." Grace sniffled.

Warren pet his daughter on the head, "You'll **never** be alone, my spirit will always be with you." A long pause followed. "Grace?"

Grace nodded once more, "Yes, dad?"

"I love you." said the old man.

"And I love **you** too, dad." replied Grace as she and Warren smiled one last time, Warren's hand soon went limp.

From there on, after Warren's memorial services, Grace went on to Quahog, bearing in mind all she had learned thus far, "When I arrived in Quahog, I bore in mind all that Warren taught me and knew I would have to continue what he and the real Grace started that God and Jesus left them to do. And here I am now." Grace said, as she finished her story and wiped away her new found tears she had began to shed from her memory of Warren's death.

Pointing to her stone, Brian asked, "And your amethyst?"

"It has served as the source of my transformations from human to Siberian Husky and vice-versa," replied Grace, showing it off, "if I were parted away from the stone, I could turn into a real werewolf, which luckily, has rarely happened to me." she explained. "I even made another formula that slowed down my aging to make her appear youthful like that of a young 21-year-old woman. But it was not without its side effects, mostly my hair, while it is black, it has, as you've seen white highlights in certain spots."

There was a long pause before Brian spoke, Impressed with her story, "Grace, that… That's incredible. Does anyone else know your secret? I mean besides God and Jesus?"

To which Grace shook her head, "No, Brian. **You** are the first in years. If anyone else did, I don't know how they would react."

"I'm sure they'd appreciate and love you, as I have." said Brian tenderly.

"Maybe you're right." nodded Grace. "But I guess we'll have to wait and see."

They kissed once more.

* * *

With him now coming to appreciate Grace in both her human and weredog forms, things could only begin to get better for Brian as he and Grace did more things together, seeing how they were now a cute dating couple… Well, for dogs at least. They shared some good dinners together, they read the Bible together, silently comparing notes with each other, watching movies together, dancing and listening to music together, Brian even began to strike inspiration and wrote some scripts with Grace reading them once in a while to give Brian her thoughts, Brian even shared a chunk of his favorite memories with the Griffins.

Weeks later, while out on the town, Brian went to a jewelry story and bought a ring… But to ensure he wasn't himself, Brian went in disguise, as all of Quahog still thought that he was dead. And in his disguise, he wore brown trench coat, with one of those hats similar to what Humphrey Bogart wore in _Casablanca_, a fake beard and sunglasses. He later returned home to Grace, who was currently making dinner.

"Good day, Brian?" Grace called out.

"Great, it's bound to get even better." Brian answered.

"How so?" Grace asked.

"I'll tell you after dinner." Brian replied.

Sure enough, later on, Brian and Grace were cuddled up on her couch by the fireplace, some glasses of Chardonnay were in their paws. Nuzzling her nose with Brian's, Grace smiled, "Brian, these last few weeks and 6 days have been wonderful. When I first met you, you were not at all what I pictured you to be, but over time, you've changed… And for the better."

Nuzzling back with his girl, Brian said, "Well Grace, I believe Michael Jackson said it best himself, '**If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and make a change**'."

They chinked their glasses and drank up. Grace then soon remembered, "Incidentally, what did you mean by earlier when you said your day is '**bound to get even better**'?"

Surprised, Brian stammered, "Oh, that? It was…" He hopped off the couch and put down his glass. "Can you excuse me a second, Grace? I got something for you. But you have to close your eyes."

Lowering her glass and closing her eyes, Grace nodded and said, "Okay, but don't take **too** long."

"I won't." Brian promised.

A moment later, Brian came back with the ring and slipped it on Grace's finger, she opened her eyes. "I'm no good with words sometimes but, uh…" Brian said nervously. "What do you say?"

Grace hugged Brian, tears of joy streaming down her face, "Oh, Brian, of course I will." She then said in a firm voice, "As long as you let me baptize you."

Brian nodded, "Anything for you, Grace."

"Then, that's settled." said Grace as they kissed.

* * *

That night, when they are asleep, while Grace slept peacefully, Brian was having a dream from an unknown voice, it did however, sound like a ghost. "Brian?" No answer, "Brian!" It said in a masculine ghostly voice, all the while this happened, dramatic music played.

In Brian's mind, the latter began to wake up, but he was still tired, "Who… Who's there?"

It spoke again, all ghost like, "I'm right here, Brian."

"Are you… Are you my father?" Brian asked waking up.

"N…" The voice began again, but then dropped its ghostly voice and spoke in its normal voice, "Well, I guess I can am, I was your father's father, and his father's father, and his father's father's father, and his…" the music died down on the voice's iPod, the voice spoke in its normal voice. "Aww crap, and I just had the battery charged last night!" It then turned back to Brian, and resumed it's ghostly voice, "Anyway, Brian…"

"I **get** the message, pal!" said an irritated Brian. "But **who** are you really?" It then hit Brian, who this was as **now** he was awake, well, at least in his dream, and he recognized the voice, "Oh, my God."

"Precisely." said the voice, revealing himself to be God, white robe, balding head, long white beard, the whole nine yards.

Brian knelt down and began begging, "Look, if this about me having dated all those human women," God filed his nails and rolled his eyes, buying his time to strike, "or me being an atheist, or being jerk and all that jazz, then I'm sorry."

"**Silence**!" thundered God, causing Brian to yelp in fear, God then went back to being calm. "I've come to show you a vision."

"Of what?" asked Brian.

There was a long pause, God eventually sighed, "I forget."

"You **forget**?!" exclaimed a surprised Brian. "Would it help if I gave you some time to think?"

"Um, yeah. Yeah, I think that'd be wise." replied God, who then started pacing back and forth, all the while he did so the _Jeopardy!_ thinking music began to play. Occasionally, he thought he had the vision figured out, but backed down when he didn't. When he did have it all figured out he spoke again, "Oh, yeah! **Now** I remember…" he back turned to Brian and became serious. "Brian, your family is in court for murder, a crime which they did **not** commit! You must find and bring Glenn Quagmire to justice, **he** is the one who framed them!"

Brian frowned, "Why that dirty rotten son of a bitch!" He looked at God, "If you'll pardon my French, God. It's just that Quagmire never liked me, that much."

God nodded and laughed briefly, but frowned at Quagmire's name, "That's okay, Brian, and **I** personally, never liked him that much, anyway." He then looked down at Grace, "Also, I've been seeing monitoring you and Grace…"

"Oh, no…" said Brian in sadness. "Don't tell me, you don't approve?" he asked.

"Actually," God said as he shook his head. "she's perfect for you, Brian. Treat her well."

"I **will**, you have my word." promised Brian, who nodded.

God then looked at his watch and smiled, "Welp, I gotta go. Good luck!"

But before God left, Brian called out to him again, "Wait! God?"

God faded back in, "Yes, B-Dawg, sup?"

Brian then nervously rubbed the back of his neck, "Can I at least ask you a few things?"

"Of course!" beamed the Lord. "What kind of person would I be if I didn't answer your questions? Fire away, kiddo!"

"First off, " Brian began, "what's Heaven really like?"

To which the Lord chuckled warmly, "I can't tell you that… At least not yet, Brian."

"Why not?" asked Brian, the answer landed in front of him, he laughed sheepishly "Oh, right. It's not my time to go… Right?"

"Yep." nodded God. "You got it, Bri."

"Secondly, do you really approve of Grace and me?" inquired Brian.

"I **do**." answered the Almighty. "She's a woman/dog, I picked her out, especially just for you. She was looking for… a guy like you."

"Well, thanks." Brian smiled. "Thirdly, I hope you can find in your heart to forgive me for all my sins I may have done in the past."

"That's both me and my son's job is it?" God asked.

"Yep." Brian nodded.

"So be it…" God then snapped his fingers, he then said in a deep voice, "H. Brian Griffin, all and any future your sins will make have been erased, as well as your past ones." He resumed his normal voice, "You are hereby forgiven of your transgression."

"Thanks again." Brain said, as his tail wagged. "Fourthly, am I **too** late to safe them, my family?"

"Nope, not yet." God said, as he shook his head, "If anything the verdict will be given first thing tomorrow. But you'd better hurry, time is of the essence as mortals say."

"Oh, good." sighed Brian in relief. "I'll do what I can. "Lastly…"

God's head was replaced by comedian Frank Nelson, "**Yeeeeeeeees**?"

Brian rolled his eyes and said annoyed, "Okay, you're gonna have to not do **that**."

"Sorry." said God sheepishly, morphing his head back to normal, he did a '**go on**' gesture with his hands. "Continue…"

"Lastly, could you tell your son I said '**hello**'?" Brian requested.

"Or you could tell me yourself." answered the Christ himself walking in, "Hi, Brian." He greeted his father "Dad."

"Hello, Jesus." said Brian

"Remember what my dad told you about the vision, and good luck." said Jesus.

"Thanks," replied Brian, "I'm gonna need it."

And with that, Brian's dream ended…

* * *

Waking up, Brian left the guest bedroom and went to sleep on the couch. The very next morning, Grace found him out on the balcony, she turned to leave as Brian stopped her, his eyes were closed. "Don't go…" he called out.

"I don't want to disturb you." Grace said.

"But your presence is soothing." Brian inhaled.

"What's wrong, Brian?" she asked. "You seem troubled, you had a dream last night."

Brian opened his eyes, "I think God gave me a vision last night, Grace." He turned to face her, "Is that **even** possible?"

Grace nodded and was curious, "Well normally, on special occasions does God grant visions, but not too often. I think **that's** why they're called '**miracles**'." She paused for a moment, "Why?"

"Well, remember, I was for a while an atheist." explained Brian. "I just wanted to be sure."

"True." nodded Grace, "What was it, your vision?" Brian paused to think,"Tell me, Brian."

"He told me to find and bring Quagmire to justice. My family is suffering in court because of him." Brian let out a sigh. "They're in pain." He then turned to face Grace. "I know I'd be showing up unexpectedly to court by being alive and well, Grace, but we have to go, we have to **help** them."

Grace nodded sincerely, "And we **will**, Brian, whatever it takes."

* * *

The two then left to go to Spooner Street using Grace's Honda Insight, Grace at this time, had gone back to her human form. Upon their arrival, sure enough, thanks to his vision from God, Brian soon realized the Griffins were not home. To his surprise, he saw a sign on the front door of the house saying that it is scheduled to be demolished, taking that at as evidence, the two then arrived outside of the courthouse. Parking her Insight, Grace asked Brian as they climbed out of the car. "Are you sure you wanna do this, Brian? Because if it all goes south, you could be arrested."

"I've never been surer of anything in my life." Brian replied "Outside of you, of course."

"Of course." Grace nodded. "But **how** will we know when the time is right? The verdict could be given at any moment."

Seeing the Kool-Aid Man from the distance, and recalling the past experiences he and the Griffins had with him, Brian pointed to the famous mascot, "There, **that's** how we'll know when the moment is right."

Walking up the stairs, the two pressed their ears to the walls outside the courtroom to listen in for any sign that the case was still on going. To their luck, the Judge spoke, the Griffins stated their surprise at the final verdict, they all had been found guilty. They listened carefully for the right moment inside.

"Oh, no!" said Peter.

"Oh, no!" cried Lois.

"Oh, no!" wailed Chris.

"Oh, no!" uttered Meg.

"Oh, no! What?!" finished Stewie.

The Kool-Aid Man jumped through the wall, "Oh, yeah!" Feeling the eyes of the courtroom upon him, the mascot made his exit.

Outside the courtroom, Grace had her jaw hanging loose in shock as to what she just saw, she quickly put up. Brian approached the mascot, "Hey, Kool."

"Sup?" asked the pitcher.

"Listen, I think you need to get a new hobby." said Brian "I don't think that kinda life is for you."

Seeing a crack in his side, Kool nodded, "You know, Brian, I thunk that you're right." He began to take his leave, "But what should I do instead?" he asked himself. The answer would have to wait as a pickup truck came driving fast, Kool winced, but the truck luckily missed him, "Whoo!" he sighed, he than sad in a singsong voice, his relief, "_Now that was clo-o-o-se_!" But it wasn't as the truck's door just barely touched him, causing Kool to shatter. He frowned and yelled at Brian, "You did this to me, Brian, you **fucking** did this to me!" Brian was about to apologize, when all of a sudden, a murder of crows came flying down to drink Kool. "Hey, scram! Shoo! Beat it!" His mouthpiece said to them, "Haven't you stupid birds heard of the five second rule?" His answer came in a flash, as all of the crows did a spit take. Quick as a flash, they flew away and Kool was magically repaired, but he was still empty, "Now that that's taken care of, I wonder which flavor I'll be next if not Cherry? Ooh, maybe I'll be Orange, or perhaps Grape, or Tropical Punch, or even…" His answer came quick as a flash as he was magically refilled with Pink Lemonade, "Huh, I guess this is not **too** bad. Could've been wor…" But he didn't get to finish his sentence as he started shaking, "Uh-oh." He tried to fight it, "Must, resist, shaking… Must, resist, other, side… Oh… no!"

The shaking stopped as he transformed from the Kool-Aid Man into a Kool-Aid Woman, "Oh, yeah!"

Kool then morphed back several times into the two genders, as a battle of '**Oh, no**'s and and '**oh, yeah**'s happened. On the fourth time he briefly changed back to his old self, Kool cried yelled, "**What the hell's happening to meeeeeee**?!"

Brian approached Grace, who was curious about Kool interrupting the court, "Does that always happen to you often?" she asked.

"**Way** too often." replied Brian rather sarcastically.

Inside the courtroom, they heard the Judge deliver his final wording to Joe, "Officer Swanson, you may take them away."

The two than ran inside as Joe said, "I'm sorry, guys, but I have to do my duty."

"Joe, don't!" said Brian. "They're innocent! The true guilty party who wanted me dead sits among you and the court!" The scene shifted to the present, "And **that's** how it happened, your honor." said Brian, as he concluded his story.

"Do you have any evidence to support your claim, Mr. Griffin, outside of Ms. Fey?" asked the Judge.

There was a long silence, but finally, Brian said with a sad sigh, "No… No, I do **not**."

"Then if you don't have anything else, I have no choice but to…" Bowman began raising his gavel.

But before the Judge could finish his sentence, the sound of a gun cocked. "That's just as well, your honor… **This** Brian is an impostor, the **real** one should be rotting away in Hell, where he belongs!" The voice welding the gun showed itself to be Quagmire holding it. "And I'll prove it to you and the whole court!"

The entire crowd of people gasped, "Put down the gun, Quagmire," pleaded Joe. "You don't want to do anything irrational."

But Quagmire didn't, "No, it all ends here, right here, right now!" He approached Brian, "Say '**goodnight**', you son of a bitch!"

Brian shielded his eyes, waiting for the bullet to wound or kill him, but when he opened a moment later, two things happened that neither man or dog intended: 1, Brian was not hurt at all. And 2, the bullet had impaled Mayor Adam West instead, who was clutching his heart, he was vastly bleeding to death. Brian ran up to him, "Mayor West! Are you alright?"

The Mayor spoke, rather hoarsely, he coughed up some blood, "Brian, you must do something for me."

"What is it, Adam?" asked Brian, he held the Mayor's hand.

"Avenge me." said Mayor West.

"I can't." whispered Brian, shaking his head sadly.

"**Avenge me**!" yelled the beloved Mayor And with that, the Mayor of Quahog, TV star and former Batman actor collapsed, giving his final breath.

Feeling his pulse, Brian was shocked, even if he was an idiot, Mayor Adam West was a fun-filled and sweet guy to admire, he spoke to the court, "My God, he's dead." He turned to Quagmire and frowned. "You killed him, Quagmire! It was **all** your fault, he's dead because of you, you **bastard**!"

"It-it-it was an accident, I **swear**!" stuttered a rather scared and frightened Quagmire, feeling the eyes of the court upon him.

* * *

**END PART 1**…

* * *

**Author's Notes**:

* Uh-oh, Quagmire done a bad thing! What will happen next? Will Brian bring Quagmire to justice? Or will Quagmire **not** be arrested for his accidental murder of the now ex-Mayor of Quahog? More importantly, who will now succeed Adam West as Mayor of Quahog? The questions to all these questions and more will be answered next time.  
* Family Guy is owned and © by Seth MacFarlane.  
* Grace Luna Fey and Warren Albert Mathis are owned and © by me.  
* Kool-Aid Man is owned and © by Kraft Heinz.

That being said, until the next chapter, and Part 2, I am _**maxparker89**_ signing off…


	6. Quagmire's Escape and Clearing up Things

Chapter 5: **Quagmire's Escape and Clearing up Things**

* * *

**_Previously, on _**_Family Guy_** \- "Life of Brian"**…

"And **that's** how it happened, your honor." said Brian as he concluded his story.

"Do you have any evidence to support your claim, Mr. Griffin, outside of Ms. Fey?" asked the Judge.

There was a long silence, but finally, Brian said with a sad sigh, "No… No, I do **not**."

The sound of a gun cocked. "That's just as well, your honor… **This** Brian is an impostor, the **real** one should be rotting away in Hell, where he belongs!" The voice welding the gun showed itself to be Quagmire holding it.

Brian shielded his eyes, but when he opened a moment later, something happened that he did not forsee: The bullet had impaled Mayor Adam West instead, who was clutching his heart, he was vastly bleeding to death. Brian ran up to him, "Mayor West!"

The Mayor spoke, rather hoarsely, he coughed up some blood, "Brian, avenge me." said Mayor West.

"I can't." whispered Brian, shaking his head sadly.

"**Avenge me**!" yelled the beloved Mayor, TV star and former Batman actor who the collapsed giving his final breath, dead.

Brian was shocked, he turned to Quagmire and frowned. "You killed him, Quagmire! It was all your fault!"

"It-it-it was an accident, I **swear**!" stuttered a rather scared and frightened Quagmire.

_**End recap**… _**BEGIN PART 2:**

* * *

Secret Service men began to surround Quagmire, who dropped the gun. "Take him down, men!" yelled one. One by one, all of the Secret Service men dog piled Quagmire, who managed to squeeze out of their grasp, they ran as fast as they could. but their efforts were in vain as Quagmire was faster than the now deceased Mayor West's men.

"**After** him!" called another. "Don't let him escape!"

"We have to fire the ultimate weapon!" said third.

Pushing a button on their headset, a fourth one saw that the weapon in question was just a blow gun, which, upon being fired just embedded a bug in Quagmire's left butt cheek. "That's it?" he asked, in disappointment. "**That's** all it does?"

"That's all." answered Joe, "Mayor West told me all about the weapon's primary function."

"But, what… What **did** it do exactly?" asked the Judge, who saw everything.

"As I understand it, it's a tracking device weapon of sorts, your honor." explained Swanson, "It allows us to track down the person, when the bug finds its way into said person." With the matter cleared up, the Secret Service troops and the Judge nodded, Joe continued speaking, "The only downside is that it was **not** fully tested, so it may take some time before we can find and track down Quagmire. If I had to guess, probably a week."

"Well, seeing as the true suspect got away," pondered the dark-skinned man, "I suggest that we hold off the trial until we can clear things up." He turned to white Labrador, "Mr. Griffin?"

"Yes, your honor?" answered Brian.

"Your family is let off the hook, for now." continued Bowman. "But you had better bring Quagmire back alive, **only** then and then will we resume this trial."

"I will, you have my word." promised the dog.

"I also suggest you also find some evidence to support your claims about Mr. Quagmire." He banged his gavel. "Until then, court is adjourned."

* * *

While the police were struggling to pinpoint Quagmire's whereabouts, a funeral service was held for Mayor West… Citizens from all parts of the world, people who respected the Mayor, immediate family members and fans of the former actor who played Batman all attended his service. A few days after their fallen family member and Mayor's funeral, the Griffins returned home. Within the downtime after the funeral service, the people of Quahog knew they needed a new Mayor, so they started hoping that a new mayor would appear. Safe to say, they wanted a much wiser and more competent, safe to say, yet, at the same time, they would like it, if like Mayor West, the new Mayor knew how to have fun. But it would be a while before that prayer could be answered.

Back at the Griffin residence, within the time of Brian's return, the Griffins were now safe and sound back home began chattering on how lucky they were to get a break, thanks in a large part to Brian's return. At that time, the Griffins had gotten to know Grace better, safe to say, the found her amazing and out of all over Brian's lovers, they thought she was the best one yet, as they, along with all of Quahog, knew of her secret, during her stay, Grace in her wererdog form. The Griffins also learned Brian was going to be baptized and reborn in God's love by becoming a Born-Again Christian, even hoping to get married, which they approved. But there was still one thing that was bugging them, Lois spoke, "There's one thing I still understand, Brian."

"What's that, Lois?" asked Brian.

"You've been alive after all this time and you came back at the last moment. Not that we're grateful," continued Lois, "but why did you come back?"

"As I said, Lois, God gave me a vision." answered the white Labrador.

"Fair enough." nodded Lois, "But at the same time, I wanted to ask you something else. You've always told me about the H in your name, but you've never once told us what it is. Could you…?"

Crossing his arms, Brian frowned, "Forget it, Lois. I'm not gonna say what it is."

"Well then, Brian, we'll just have to guess what it is until you give in." teased Lois.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, **please** don't." begged the white Labrador, whose begging went unheeded.

"Is it Harvey?" asked Chris.

"No." answered Brian.

"I bet it's Harry, just like Harry Potter." guessed Meg, who was a huge fan of the books and movies.

"It's not, Meg." Peter simply said.

"Then, how would you know what it is, dad?" asked Meg, looking at Peter. "It's not as though Brian told you in secret."

Safe to say, Meg had her dad there. "_Touché_, Meg. _Touché_…" admitted Peter, he then turned back to Brian. "Is it Harrison after Harrison Ford, Brian?"

"I wish it were, Peter." sighed Brian. "But alas, it's not."

"Then, is it Hugh?" guessed Lois.

"After Mr. Jackman?" asked Brian, to which Lois nodded. "Again, part of my wishes it were, Lois. But it's not."

"How's about a hint, Bri?" pleaded Stewie.

Brian stood firm and crossed his arms, "Forget, guys. There is **no** way in Heaven or Hell I'm gonna say what it is."

"Aww, come on, Bri…" begged Stewie, who's eyes got so wide, like puppy dog eyes. "**Please**?"

"No, I'm not saying a word! Forget it!" snapped Brian. Stewie's eyes went back to normal as he began to whimper, as though he were about to cry, Brian sighed. "I'm sorry, Stewie." The white Labrador sighed, "It's just that I'm not to the H in my name, it's one thing I don't wanna be addressed by all the time."

Whipping away his tears and accepting Brian's apology, Stewie went back to stretching his eyes, "So, you'll tell us then?"

"It's not that simple, Stewie." answered Brian, "I mean, just because me and my countless ancestors have done the cute eyes, not to mention cats have done it too, and it's worked on other people, it doesn't automatically mean that **I** am gonna fall for it, Stewie." he continued, "I mean it's one thing for an animal to do it, but for a human, it's just downright creepy."

Grace spoke, "Brian, you're never gonna feel better until you get this thing off your chest. So there's no time like the present."

Sighing, Brian gave in, "You're right, thanks, Grace." He looked at the whole family, "Okay, I'll tell you, guys." He turned to Stewie, "Stewie, you can cut that out now." But just as he said that, the infant eyes and head popped like three really big balloons. He looked inside Stewie's clothing, "Stewie! Where'd you go?"

"Right here…" The toddlers head, complete with his normal eyes, popped out, "Got you, Bri!"

Chuckling uneasy, Brian said, "Okay, I admit, you got me **there**, Stewie. But where did you get that…" but before he could finish his sentence, it occurred to Brian as the answer landed in front of him, "Oh, wait… Don't tell me, let me guess. Jack's Joke Shop, right?"

Stewie nodded, "That's right, and remember: If it ain't funny…?"

"It ain't worth Jack." Brian concluded. "But who is this Jack that owns it?"

Brian's answer came along as we got the following cutaway gag:

* * *

Stewie entered the famous Joke Shop, he looked around searching for gags to use on April's Fools Day, a figure entered the store, presumably the owner of the store. "Is that you, sugar bumps?" He turned to face the figure, "**Who** the hell are you?"

"It's me, '**sugar bumps**'." came the answer from the newcomer.

"Jack?" asked Stewie, the hidden figure nodded, "Oh, thank God, you're alive. I heard you'd been…"

"Fried," asked the man known as Jack, he walked in close to come into the light. "is that what you heard? My boss Grissom set me up over a woman." He snarled, "A woman! He must be insane."

"He thought your life wouldn't be worth spit?" questioned Stewie.

"I've been dead once already, Stewie." added Jack, who nodded his head, "It's very liberating, think of it as… Therapy."

"Hey, Jack… Maybe we can cut a deal?" said Stewie.

"I'd like that, Stewie." There was a long pause, "And another thing. Jack is dead, my friend, but you can call me…" he removed his hat. "You can call me… Wisecracker." He came into view, Stewie stared in awe, "And as you can see, I'm a lot happier."

"I can see that." observed Stewie, who frowned for moment. "But, I don't think Wisecracker suits you as your new moniker, it doesn't roll of the tip of the tongue." He then beamed, "If I may suggest a **better** one…"

"Go ahead…" said the Clown Prince of Crime.

"Use Joker, it has a much nicer ring to it." suggested the infant.

There was a long pause, "**That** definitely sounds better. Thanks, Stewie." said the Joker smiling.

* * *

"That would explain it." said Brian a moment later.

Stewie nodded, "Indeed… Anyhow, Bri, your middle name, please?"

Brian then inhaled and exhaled, "Just promise you guys won't laugh." he said firmly to all of the family and Grace, who all nodded. "Very well, if you all must know, it's… Henry."

There was a long pause, but against all odds, the dam broke loose as a few laughed, eventually, the Griffins a hold of themselves. "That's it?" asked Stewie, Brian simply nodded. "I don't know, Bri. You look more like a Hayden to me."

But before Brian could ask what made Stewie think of that, the doorbell rang, Brian answered the door. To his and the Griffins surprise, there stood Anakin Skywalker himself, "Hayden Christensen? What… What are you doing here?" asked Brian

"Just heard my first name sake, that's all." he replied. "Well, I gotta go."

As soon as Hayden left, Brian turned to the rest of the family, "I don't see what all the fuss is about that guy, he's not **that** bad of an actor."

"So Henry, huh?" asked Peter. "How'd you get a name like that, Brian?"

For the next couple minutes, Brian just simply replied, "It goes back to my very first ancestors, Peter." he then sighed, "Well, that and it is also something of a name that I personally am not **too** proud of."

"So that is why…?" began Lois.

"Yes, Lois, that is why I shortened it to H. Even if it meant to sound pretentious." answered the white dog.

* * *

As the week died down, the weekend arrived faster than you could say '**Bob's your uncle**'. Just right after breakfast, Brian got a call from Joe to come down to the station, suspecting Quagmire had been found, Brian did so. He arrived and entered the station, one officer took him below to the computer room, Joe greeted the Labrador, "Brian."

"Joe." Brian simply said. "I trust Quagmire has been found?"

"He has indeed. But I must warn you, Brian…" Joe answered, "You're **not** gonna like the whereabouts."

A fellow officer zoomed out of Quagmire's whereabouts, Brian looked at the map, "Huh… Figures someone like Quagmire would go there." He looked at the location, which was revealed to be the Playboy Mansion, "Only Quagmire would want to go to Playboy Mansion."

"True." added Swanson. "Now I must warn you, Brian: We'll have SWAT Teams and everything ready for when it **is** time to arrest him. But of course, as you know, we need to bring him in alive."

"Of course." nodded the white canine, "When do I leave?"

"Tonight, you must go alone." said Joe.

"Can I at least say '**goodbye**' to everyone before I go?" asked Brian.

"Of course, Brian. There's a good chance you may or may not make it back alive." replied Quahog's cleanest cop. "We'll have everything assembled in a day or two and see you there."

"I got lucky once, it may happen again, you never know." admitted the Labrador.

"We'll see." shrugged Joe.

* * *

His heart heavy with the burden laid in front of him, Brian returned home to say his goodbyes to the family and to Grace. "I'm gonna miss you, Brian." said Peter.

"Don't go dying on us again, dude." added Chris.

"We love you very much." submitted Lois.

"Cheerio, old sport." contributed Stewie.

"Take care, Brian." amended Meg.

"I love you." included Grace.

"I love you all too." Brian replied, as he got in his Prius begining his long drive to California. The Griffins waved goodbye, and then prayed Brian would come back in one piece.

"You know what we need?" Peter asked.

"What, Peter?" replied Lois.

"More '**hello**'s." answered Peter, "I hate goodbyes."

The Griffins all agreed, for once Peter was onto something. But as they all got ready to turn in for the night, Grace nodded something was off, "Hey, wait a minute…" Her future-in-laws turned to look at her, "Has anyone seen Stewie?" There was a long time of murmuring and surprise, but in the end, the only thing they could do was hope that somewhere, somehow, Stewie was okay, as well as hope that Brian would make it back in one piece, **again**.

* * *

**Author's Notes**:

* And that's beginning of Part 2, here's hoping Brian makes it out of the whole mess alive.  
* The Joker is owned by DC Comics and are © by Bill Finger and Bob Kane.  
* _Family Guy_ is owned and © by Seth MacFarlane.  
* Grace Luna Fey is owned and © by me.

That being said, until the next chapter, I am **_maxparker89_** signing off…


	7. A Dog is Quagmire's Worst Enemy

Chapter 6: **A Dog is Quagmire's Worst Enemy**

* * *

a


	8. People of Quahog v Glenn Quagmire

Chapter 7: **People of Quahog v. Glenn Quagmire**

a


	9. Epilogue: 2 Weeks Later…

Epilogue: **2 Weeks Later…**

* * *

With the trial of of bringing Quagmire to justice all behind him and his family, Brian was happy for the first time in years. Following Judge Bowman's instructions, Brian had most of the local sex fiend's possessions either demolished or repossessed, the only thing he owned, once renovations were complete and it was all sterilized, was Quagmire's house. As the renovating happened many things happened to Brian and Quahog faster than anyone could say Brian's motto '**whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?**'

1) Brian took up a job as a creative writing teacher at the local college. Some of his best students have not only gone to make their own books, but they also have gone onto do other writing careers, such as screenwriting, journalism, etc.  
2) Grace was able to up a job as a Sniffer Dog at the police station, thanks to Joe allowing her to have Brian's old job, she still helped whenever necessary by doing her medical chemist duties. Joe himself was even promoted thanks to Mayor Kevin Conroy, who agreed Joe should be promoted to Commander.  
3) Mayor Kevin Conroy was able to get the town of Quahog fixed on having living better situations and eradicating crime once and for all, it's currently at low 5 - 10%, thus making it a safer city in America.  
4) Sure enough as promised, the Griffins went on to become a better and more loving family than ever before, the following is what became of the Griffins, one by one:  
* Lois continued to teach piano lessons to her pupils, she even helps perform for shows at the local playhouses. She even went onto to work at the local bakery and make pies, cakes and deserts of all kinds, shapes and sizes.  
* Peter got better in the shipping department at the Pawtucket Brewery and was even able get a promotion, he works double time on packing boxes with Pawtucket Patriot Ale. Thanks to his hard work, he is now weighing in at 190 lbs.  
* Meg went onto go to Brown university after graduating James Woods high, currently, she is majoring in cosmetology and hopes to open her own beauty salon one day. And after years of searching, she has a new boyfriend, a young man majoring in financing named Ron.  
* Chris decided he would went to graduate James Woods high himself, currently, he works at the Quahog Daily Shopper publishing stories in the paper, he even delivers the paper. Thanks to his hard word, he is now weighing at 155 lbs.  
* Stewie was moved up several grades because of his immense IQ of 164, and in no time flat, he was the first intelligent babies to graduate high school at the age of 13. Currently, he works as a story consultant and co-writer of scripts Brian was writing.  
5) Just before he and Grace were wed, as promised on the day before their wedding, Brian allowed Grace to have him baptized. When the ceremony proceeded as per normal, it wasn't without a hitch, Brian found the dipping in water rather, in his own words '**quite ticklish**', he even asked Grace if all baptisms were performed with hints of tickling, to which Grace said, Brian must have been one of the few rare exceptions.  
6) To ensure Brian lived to have many more years in his life, Grace whipped up a duplicate of the formula she once made to slow down her aging, it even allowed him to have genitalia and whatnot. Grace even no longer needed to have her human form, a few days before their wedding, she finally got her so-called '**true love's first kiss**' and took on her Siberian Husky form, once and for all.

Indeed many things unfolded in Quahog, but a few days before the day of his and Grace's marriage, just before the ceremony, Brian presented his latest scripts to the family, some of the stuff Stewie helped co-write. When they were done reading, Brian asked them what they all thought, needless to say, they were all impressed. "You think I could get them published?" Brian wondered.

"I know a guy, Brian." answered Grace, "Maybe **he** can help."

"Well, who'd you get?" Brian asked.

* * *

Brian's answer arrived the very next day, after checking in at FOX Studios, Brian went inside with Stewie and Grace to meet the guy Grace knew. But Brian, in over his head with ecstasy didn't see where he was going and dropped one of his scripts in the process, as he picked up, he looked up at the man and spoke nervously, "I'm so **very** sorry, I'm usual not **this** clumsy. I…" He stopped talking.

The man he was speaking to just looked at him, Brian copied, he had well groomed dark black hair and eyes. Then, right then and there, in a moment similar to the broken mirror gimmick scene from _Duck Soup_ with Groucho, Harpo and Chico Marx, the man and Brian did a variety of moves a mimicked each other, all of them silent: Whether it be stroking their chins, their eyes bulging in shock, etc. the point is the mimicked each other for a good long 10 minutes. When the mimicking stopped, the two spoke:

"Seth." greeted Brian, feeling intrigued, but he smiled just the same.

"Brian." warmly replied MacFarlane, returning Brian's smile.

The dog and human shook hands. From there on, the two began tossing ideas and what not for the show, safe to say, they were gonna get along just fine. The interview ended in a matter of hours, but before Brian left, two last things unfolded, "Brian, I'll be blunt with you." began Seth.

"Yes?" answered the white Labrador.

"First off, let's make this thing happen. And for the last set of lyrics to the open what do you think of this?" said Seth, who then sang in Stewie's voice, "_Effin' cry_!"

"Absolutely not." Brian replied, shaking his head. "That will **never** fly with the censors. Change it to '_Laugh and cry_', it sounds better."

"You're right, Brian, **that** does sound better." admitted Seth.

"And what's the other thing you wanted to tell me?" asked Brian

"You're hired! How would you like to start first thing tomorrow?" inquired the human.

"Are you serious?" Brian wondered, his was in Seth's eyes, the man **was** indeed serious. Brian's tail wagged "I-I'd love to." With that in mind, Brian got of his chair to sign the deal with MacFarlane, but as he signed away, he spoke to Seth, "Oh, and Seth, if I may make a suggestion…"

"What's that, Brian?" asked MacFarlane, to which his answer was whispered to him by Brian, "I'll keep that in mind." pondered Seth.

So after signing a contract, a work application and everything else, as well as telling Seth what days he couldn't come in, Brian was ready to begin the next chapter in his life. Running out of the studio excited after his meeting with MacFarlane, Brian couldn't wait to tell his family and Grace the good news. But he would have to wait, as he fell on the floor, skinning his nose in the process, but rather than hissing and going '**aah**' like Peter, Brian instead hissed and howled '**aroo**', eight times total.

* * *

Later that night, he told his family the good news, "I knew you could, Bri, you're the dog!" beamed Stewie, "Well, sorta…"

"Congrats, Brian, you old son of bitch." cheered Peter.

"That's wonderful, Brian." praised Lois.

"Way to go, Brian!" applauded Chris.

"Nice work, Brian." whooped Meg.

"I am so **very** proud of you, Brian." encouraged Grace.

"I am very proud of us **all**." admitted Brian, smiling. "Everything is coming along just the way I hoped, and I owe it all to everyone of you."

With that, the Griffins all raised their glasses to a toast for this historical occasion in the Griffin family history. A few days later, Quagmire's house was done with renovating, then Brian and Grace were wed at last. The two dogs honeymoon saw them traveling all over the world: Italy, France, China, New Zealand, Japan, etc. the point is the two went everywhere to their hearts content, the even went to Russian, in hopes for Grace to bury the past and forgive those who trespassed against her, needless to say, it was all successful. So where are they now?

* * *

**Quahog: 3 months after Brian and Grace's wedding ceremony and honeymoon.**

**Inside Quagmire's old house, now renovated, near the main bedroom…**

* * *

Brian sat in the bedroom, fully stuffed after a nice meal and submitting some more scripts and everything to Seth, waiting patiently for Grace to do wrap up the dishes. When she was done, she appeared near the doorway were Brian was waiting for her. "Come to bed, Grace. You must be tired." the white Labrador said flirtingly, doing a '**come here**' gesture, he had on nothing but his collar.

Grace, who also had on nothing but her collar and had stripped herself of her clothing, approached her husband, "I'm not tired, Brian." she teased, "I'm in the mood for a **little** fun. If you catch my meaning…" It was quite clear Brian did understand, as Grace entered the bedroom and closed the door behind them.

A few moments later, Brian opened it and spoke, breaking the fourth wall, "You still here?" the camera nodded. "What the hell were you expecting, fan service?" the camera nodded again, Brian frowned. "You **perverts**!" He slammed the door. "The nerve of some people…" he said to Grace.

"Tell me about it." said Grace, off-screen, as she and Brian began barking playfully at each other, indicating tonight would be a night for both of them to remember and to never forget.

* * *

So whatever became of Seth MacFarlane? Well…

"Note to self, I'll **never** drink again, except for special occasions." muttered the famous star, who was experiencing a severe hangover from drinking the night before, as he waited for his plane to start boarding. But upon seeing the news of the World Trade Center, realizing the plane he was meant to board would've taken him to New York, he was relieved to be alive. Looking at a photo of Brian, he said to it, "Thanks, Brian. You saved my life." The photo just smiled, put a thumbs up and winked at Seth. "I wonder, in spite of what's happened if I should change my ways too?" MacFarlane shrugged, a moment later. "Nah."

"It's **not** too late, _Señor_." said a Hispanic voice revealing itself to be from a worm in tequila bottle. Screaming like a girl, Seth ran out of the airport. "_Ay_ chihuahua, what's eating him, _Señor_ Brian?" he asked the photograph, who simply shrugged.

"Want to be part of my show some time, my good man?" asked the white Labrador. "I'm Brian."

"I'd love to, _Señor_. My name is Carlos Martinez." replied the worm introducing himself, feeling enthusiastic.

"Pleasure to meet you, Carlos." said Brian.

"You too, Brian." replied Carlos

* * *

**END PART 2…**

* * *

**Author's Notes**:

* And that's the (**true**) ending of Family Guy, "Life of Brian" and the actual canon in general… But it will, someday, mark the beginning of some of my own Family Guy canon episodes from _Family Guy: The Later Years!  
_* Family Guy is owned and © by Seth MacFarlane.  
* Grace Luna Fey and Carlos Martinez are owned and © by me.

Until next time people, I am **_maxparker89_** signing off, and thanks for reading…


	10. Final Author's Notes

**Final Author's Notes**:

The following is what Grace's current bio is…

Grace had heard Brian of thanks to his book _Wish It, Want It, Do It._ She got said book at a Barnes & Noble, but was unable to get it autographed from Brian himself, until they got to know each other better, when the latter was nursed back. She also had help Brian bring Glenn Quagmire to justice for attempting to have tried and kill the former, which proved to be successful, the latter was found guilty of various other degrees besides murder. Currently moved into Quagmire's former house as her and Brian's main abode of residence, currently married to Brian, with whom she has helped be reborn through Christianity, which took a lot of persuasion, she baptized him before their marriage was official. she also helped create a formula that slowed down Brian's own mortality with the same formula she made for herself years ago.

Unfortunately, as a recent side effect of both her and Brian's formula made while she is able to become pregnant, she and Brian will likely have only a small handful of at least 4 puppies of their own, which the latter doesn't mind. She's the mother of her and Brian's quadruplet puppies:

* Biscuit (named after Brian's mother)  
* Warren (named after her human surrogate father and pastor)  
* Fey (named after the real Grace whom she became)  
* Francis, or Frank to his friends and family, (named after her and Brian's love of music artist Frank Sinatra)

Also, before Grace and Brian's marriage became official, the latter took up a job as a writer for a hit sitcom for FOX (which, coincidentally is named _Family Guy_), with which Stewie Griffin helped to co-write (mostly for the first 3 seasons), anything after Season 3, Brian served as a story consultant.

* * *

The following list are episodes from the actual _Family Guy_ show that Brian and Stewie co-write:

* Death Has a Shadow (Season 1, Episode 1)  
* Chitty Chitty Death Bang (Season 1, Episode 3)  
* The Son Also Draws (Season 1, Episode 6)  
* Holy Crap (Season 2, Episode 2)  
* Brian in Love (Season 2, Episode 4)  
* Death is a Bitch (Season 2, Episode 6)  
* If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin (Season 2, Episode 9)  
* A Picture is Worth 1,000 Bucks (Season 2, Episode 11)  
* Fifteen Minutes of Shame (Season 2, Episode 12)  
* Road to Road Island (Season 2, Episode 13)  
* Wasted Talent (Season 2, Episode 20)  
* The Thin White Line (Season 3, Episode 1)  
* Brian Does Hollywood (Season 3, Episode 2)  
* One if by Clam, Two if by Sea (Season 3, Episode 4)  
* Death Lives (Season 3, Episode 6)  
* Mr. Saturday Knight (Season 3, Episode 9)  
* Ready, Willing, and Disabled (Season 3, Episode 15)  
* A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas (Season 3, Episode 16)  
* Brian Wallows and Peter Swallows (Season 3, Episode 17)  
* From Method to Madness (Season 3, Episode 18)  
* Stuck Together, Torn Apart (Season 3, Episode 19)

* * *

The following episodes from the actual _Family Guy_ show that Brian served as a story consultant:

* Blind Ambition (Season 4, Episode 3)  
* Brian the Bachelor (Season 4, Episode 7)  
* 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter (Season 4, Episode 8)  
* Peter's Got Woods (Season 4, Episode 11)  
* Jungle Love (Season 4, Episode 13)  
* PTV (Season 4, Episode 14)  
* The Courtship of Stewie's Father (Season 4, Episode 16)  
* You May Now Kiss the… Uh… Guy Who Receives (Season 4, Episode 25)  
* Petergeist (Season 4, Episode 26)  
* Stewie B. Goode (Season 4, Episode 28)  
* Bango Was His Name Oh (Season 4, Episode 29)  
* Stu & Stewie's Excellent Adventure (Season 4, Episode 30)  
* Stewie Loves Lois (Season 5, Episode Episode 1)  
* Hell Comes to Quahog (Season 5, Episode 3)  
* Road to Rupert (Season 5, Episode 9)  
* The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou (Season 5, Episode 11)  
* Blue Harvest (Season 6, Episode 1)  
* Stewie Kills Lois (Season 6, Episode 4)  
* Lois Kills Stewie (Season 6, Episode 5)  
* Back to the Woods (Season 6, Episode 9)  
* Play It Again, Brian (Season 6, Episode 10)  
* The Former Life of Brian (Season 6, Episode 11)  
* I Dream of Jesus (Season 7, Episode 2)  
* Road to Germany (Season 7, Episode 3)  
* Baby Not On Board (Season 7, Episode 4)  
* The Man with Two Brians (Season 7, Episode 5)  
* Stew-Roids (Season 7, Episode 13)  
* Road to the Multiverse (Season 8, Episode 1)  
* Hannah Banana (Season 8, Episode 5)  
* Dog Gone (Season 8, Episode 8)  
* Go, Stewie, Go! (Season 8, Episode 13)  
* Brian & Stewie (Season 8, Episode 17)  
* The Splendid Source (Season 8, Episode 19)  
* And Then There Were Fewer (Season 9, Episode 1)

* * *

With that all said, this truly wraps up my retelling of "Life of Brian" as to how it should have been told.

* * *

Until my next story, I'm _**maxparker89**_, signing off…


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